April 27, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Street artist Banksy revealed his latest work, a picture that he painted on the wall of his bathroom while under coronavirus quarantine. While my roommate revealed more of a Jackson Pollack in our shared bathroom.

2. An Iowa woman is sewing masks and hanging them on a ‘giving tree’ for anyone to take. In response, President Trump issued an executive order calling for us to plant more mask trees. 

3. Nicaragua’s president hasn’t been seen in public in over a month. In retrospect, it probably wasn’t a good idea to elect Shelly Miscavige as president of Nicaragua.

4. Convicted felon and preacher Jim Bakker recently said that his ministry will be “totally financially broke” within weeks if they don’t receive an influx of donations. Ironically, Bakker being in financial ruins is proof to me that there is a God.

5. Due to the coronavirus, many brides-to-be are now having virtual bachelorette parties. Which oddly means that the stripper is the only person wearing pants at the beginning of the Zoom call. 

6. Newly drafted New England Patriots rookie kicker Justin Rohrwasser has a tattoo on his left arm that resembles the logo of “The Three Percenters,” a right-wing militia group. Luckily drafting a player with troublesome tattoos has never burnt the Patriots before:

7. Peyton Manning, the number one overall pick by Indianapolis in the 1998 NFL Draft, said Sunday that he gave some advice to this year’s number one pick, quarterback Joe Burrow. That advice, be careful of the friends you surround yourself with:

8. Hall of Fame basketball player Michael Jordan will reportedly donate all proceeds he earns from his ‘Last Dance’ documentary to charity. That charity, the Las Vegas Wynn Resort and Casino.

9. According to reports, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un is brain dead after slipping into a coma during heart surgery. But, on the plus side, he’s still doing better than the doctor who operated on him:

10. President Trump said Tuesday he doesn’t know whether North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un is ill but nevertheless wished him luck. That story again, man with unknown illness wishes Kim Jong Un well.

11. The Supreme Court said on Monday that for the first time it will hear cases argued by teleconference rather than in the courtroom due to the coronavirus. And also partially due to the fact that Gorsuch stopped showering months ago:

12. A village in Indonesia is using volunteers dressed as ghosts to scare people into social distancing. “Yeah … that’s why I’m dressed like this,“ said Stephen Miller:

13. New York Governor Andrew Cuomo said he had a “productive” meeting with President Trump Tuesday at the White House. Adding, “Trump almost solved all of Blue’s clues.”

14. Deaf Americans are urging the White House to use sign language interpreters at coronavirus briefings. Said non-deaf Americans, “Trust me, you don’t want that.”

15. Workers in the port of Antwerp will begin testing wristbands developed that may help guarantee the social distancing required during the COVID-19 pandemic. Although there are much cheaper fashion assessors that will ensure people stay at least six feet away from you:

16. Isolation at home inspired one California family to build an elaborate two-story Rube Goldberg machine. The last time something completely useless took up two stories was everyday for the past three years:

17. The engineers at NASA have developed a ventilator prototype tailored to help coronavirus patients. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, thanks, but we’re drinking bleach now, so we’re all good. 

18. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi on Wednesday called the decision for President Donald Trump’s name to appear on stimulus checks amid the coronavirus pandemic “shameful.” She thinks that’s bad, wait til she finds out where he put his name:

19. The Supreme Court said on Monday that for the first time it will hear cases argued by teleconference rather than in the courtroom due to the coronavirus. And Kavanaugh already has his Zoom background picked out:

20. President Trump recently said his decision to reopen the country will be the “toughest decision that he will ever make. Replacing his previous touches decision, original recipe or extra crispy:

21. Last week, actor Tom Hanks sent a letter and a typewriter to an Australian boy who wrote to him about being bullied over his name, Corona. Said the boy, “Thanks Mr. Hanks, it worked. They no longer tease me about my name, now they make fun of me for owning a fucking typewriter in 2020.”

22. It is being reported that actor Tom Hanks is donating his plasma in an effort to find a cure to the coronavirus. Not to be outdone, Hank’s ‘Bosom Buddies’ co-star Peter Scolari is donating his plasma for about twenty bucks.

23. A man in Ohio was seen protesting stay-at-home orders while wearing an American flag and a diaper. Which means he’s just one poorly-tailored suit away from being President: 

24. A man in Ohio was seen protesting stay-at-home orders while wearing an American flag and a diaper. Although if you can’t trust your bowels to make it through one protest, maybe you should be staying at home.

25. English soccer player Kyle Walker recently apologized for having a prostitute sex party amid the coronavirus lockdown. “Ew, that’s gross,” said Charlie Sheen of soccer. 

December 7, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. A bishop in the U.K. claims he can make men’s penises larger by massaging them with his hands. That story again, your uncle is now a bishop.

2. Twenty-two minutes after ‘The Chicago Tribune’ published a story in which the CEO of Boeing was critical of Donald Trump’s trade policy, the President-elect tweeted that he is canceling a $4 billion federal contract with Boeing. So, I’m begging, for the good of the nation, can the CEO of Twitter please say something bad about Trump!

3. Yesterday it was announced that President-elect Donald Trump will attend this Saturday’s Army-Navy football game in Baltimore. Or, as MSNBC will undoubtedly report, power hungry Donald Trump forces different branches of the military to battle for his own amusement.

4. Yesterday it was announced that President-elect Donald Trump will attend this Saturday’s Army-Navy football game in Baltimore. Unless, of course, he can come up with another bullshit medical condition and dodge that too.

5. Yesterday, President-elect tweeted that he is canceling an order with Boeing for a new Air Force One because the costs have become too expensive. Although, I think it’s because he prefers to travel by bus anyway:
access-hollywood

6. Yesterday, President-elect Donald Trump tweeted that he is canceling an order with Boeing for a new Air Force One because the costs have become too expensive. Which is a sign of growth, because previously Trump would have waited until the contractor did the whole job before he refused payment.

7. On Tuesday, the International Olympic Committee said it was not sure if the refugee team that competed in this year’s Olympic Games in Rio will compete at the 2020 Games in Tokyo. “Don’t worry, come 2020, there will be plenty of refugees to pick from,” said Donald Trump.

8. Tuesday night, Golden State Warrior Klay Thompson scored 60 points in under 30 minutes. “Is that even allowed?” asked the Knicks.

9. The US military this month will return to the Japanese government more than 9,800 acres of land it has held since World War II. Please be New Jersey, please be New Jersey, please be New Jersey…

10. An exhibition aimed at blind people has opened in Prague, inviting visitors to touch artwork and enjoy pieces they would normally only read or hear about. Said one art-goer, “The Jackson Pollack tasted funny.”