1. On Wednesday, the heavily favored Russian men’s hockey team was eliminated from the Olympics by Finland. But, on the plus side, the loss has united the country, I saw a Russian government official and a gay guy beating the shit out of a Fin.

2. Many are voicing their concern that the U.S. and Canadian women’s hockey teams are so good that it’s unfair. Although I don’t think it’s fair to complain if your women’s hockey team was disqualified because they had beards, I’m looking at you all of eastern Europe.

3. On Wednesday, Signet Jewelers signed a $1.4 billion deal to buy jewelry retailer Zales. “Wow, Mr. Signet must have really fucked up,” said Kobe Bryant.

4. Yesterday, a Chinese man climbed into the tiger enclosure at the Chengdu Zoo and tried, unsuccessfully, to commit suicide by coaxing the tigers to eat him. “The tigers wouldn’t attack a guy who was asking to be attacked? You gotta be kidding me!” said Siegfried.

5. Yesterday, a Chinese man climbed into the tiger enclosure at the Chengdu Zoo and tried, unsuccessfully, to commit suicide by coaxing the tigers to eat him. Said the tigers, “We thought about eating him, but we all knew we’d be hungry again in an hour.”

6. Two varieties of Philly Steak and Cheese Hot Pockets have been recalled because they may contain meat that has already been recalled by the U.S. Department of Agriculture. But, if you’re eating Philly Steak and Cheese Hot Pockets, what do you really have to lose?

7. Two varieties of Philly Steak and Cheese Hot Pockets have been recalled because they may contain meat that has already been recalled by the U.S. Department of Agriculture. That’s weird, I thought we were all operating under that assumption to begin with.

8. President Obama on Wednesday sharply criticized the Venezuelan government for arresting protestors. Said Obama, “They should do what all civilized governments do, extensively spy on their own citizens and get the IRS to screw with the really annoying ones.

9. On Wednesday, Yankee captain Derek Jeter faced the media and explained his upcoming retirement by saying he wants to try new things. For instance, boo-ing A-Rod from the stands.

10. Grammy-winning R&B singer Cee Lo Green, a judge on NBC’s “The Voice,” said he has decided to leave the popular show after four seasons. Said fellow-judge Christina Aguilera, “Oh no, I’m the fat one again.”