December 23, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Hundreds of crazed Ryan Reynolds fans in South America pushed through a barricade to get to actor. That story again, apparently the movie ‘Green Lantern’ was never released in South America. 

2. Dozens of Indonesians took part in a shouting competition in the capital Jakarta last week. So hopefully all those long nights of practice paid off, couple who live in the apartment next to me. 

3. Police say a man crammed thirty bags of frozen shrimp down his pants in burglaries at multiple California grocery stores. Shouted the man as they put him in the police car, “Tell everyone that they were jumbo shrimp!” 

4. Last week it was announced that guitarist John Frusciante is rejoining the Red Hot Chili Peppers, a few years after he left the band. Turns out he wasn’t a great fit at his office job:

 5. In an apparent effort to escalate their feud, rapper Nick Cannon claimed last week that there is a video of Eminem ‘sucking a cock.’ Even more embarrassing, there are multiple videos of Nick Cannon sucking at rap.

6. According to a new study, athletes have healthier brains and, as a result, can hear better. “What did you say?” said every member of the Knicks.

7. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Because apparently ‘Baby Yoda’ is two words.

8. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Further proof that this year has really fucking sucked.

9. The Justice Department recently announced that it will review plans by Google to buy fitness tracker Fitbit. Said the DOJ to Google, “Are you really going to use it? Or is just gonna end up in a drawer somewhere?”

10. According to reports, President Trump is likely to nominate Hudson Institute CEO Kenneth Weinstein as his new ambassador to Japan. The ambassador said he is honored to have the position and will do his best not to ruin the good ‘Weinstein’ name.

11. Over the weekend, the U.S. golf team, led by Tiger Woods, won the Presidents Cup. Although anyone with $1.99 to spare, can get the same cup as the President:

12. On Tuesday, Joe Biden’s doc said the former Vice President is healthy enough to undertake the duties of the presidency. Actually, his exact words were, “Well if that guy can do it”:

13. President Trump on Tuesday issued a stark warning to congressional Democrats, saying that if they pursue impeachment against him they will be “declaring war on American democracy.” Said Nancy Pelosi:

14. Artist Simone Fugazzotto defended on Tuesday a widely criticized anti-racism campaign launched by Italy’s Serie A soccer league which features his paintings of apes. Said the artist, “What does ‘anti’ mean?”

15. A duck in the U.K. had to have its penis removed recently after it began attempting to mate with females up to ten times per day. And, just like that, I believe in reincarnation:

16. According to the Center for Disease Control, puppies purchased from pet stores have been linked to bacterial infection outbreak in over thirty states. “So, you’re welcome?” said Michael Vick.

17. Thousands of Liberian immigrants will be eligible to apply for green cards and eventual U.S. citizenship under the terms of a defense spending bill passed by the Senate on Tuesday. Or at least until President Trump realizes they are talking about African immigrants and not librarians.

18. During a rally theis past week, President Trump joked that former Congressman John Dingell, who died in February, might be in hell. “You don’t have to die to find yourself in hell,” said Melania.

June 7, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Tuesday, website Buzzfeed pulled out of an advertising deal with the Republican National Committee over objections to the party’s presumptive nominee Donald Trump. Although, if you think about it, Buzzfeed’s list of the 23 best places to live outside of the U.S. is really an ad for Trump anyway.

2. On Monday, two-time NBA MVP Stephen Curry of the Golden State Warriors announced that he will skip this summer’s Olympics in Rio. Curry said the idea of skipping a big athletic competition hadn’t occurred to him until he saw the Cavs play in the NBA Finals.

3. Bill Clinton’s half-brother Roger Clinton was arrested Sunday night in California and charged with driving under the influence. “This wasn’t why we had those ‘Clinton Arrested!’ banners printed up months ago,” said Fox News.

4. New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio on Monday announced a citywide advertising campaign supporting a person’s right to use the bathroom corresponding with his or her gender identity. Which is weird because, from the smell of the city, I always just assumed people were already free to pee wherever they wanted.

5. According to a new poll, a large majority of American voters say doctor-prescribed medical marijuana use should be legal in the U.S. The researchers were able to get such a positive response because they counted “What was the question again?” as a yes.

6. On Monday night, Hillary Clinton garnered enough delegates to earn the Democratic Party’s presidential nomination. Said Bernie Sanders, “So you’re telling me there’s still a chance.”

7. Verizon’s “Can you hear me now” guy is appearing in ads for Sprint. Meanwhile, the “Dude, you’re getting a Dell” guy wants to know if you’d like fries with that.

8. This week, a jewelry shop in India was robbed by a monkey who stole $140 from the cash register. Said the exasperated manager to his worst employee, “See, I told you even a monkey could work the register.”

9. Donald Trump received a credit reserved for those making less than $500,000 on his latest New York City tax bill, something the campaign insists was an error by the city for the second quarter in a row. “Well someone’s made a big error here, either NYC or me,” said Melania.

10. Nick Cannon has challenged Eminem to a $100,000 rap battle. So, I’m beginning to think Mariah Carey was the sane one in that relationship.

October 2, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. As a result of Congress being unable to reach an agreement, the federal government has been shut down since Tuesday morning, with all non-essential personnel, including most White House staff, sent home. Which begs the question, who’s gonna water the plants and feed Joe Biden?

2. As a result of Congress being unable to reach an agreement, the federal government has been shut down since Tuesday morning, sending most federal personnel, including all congressmen, home. Quick, while they’re gone, someone change the locks.

3. As a result of Congress being unable to reach an agreement, the federal government has been shut down since Tuesday morning, resulting in major staff reductions at government departments like the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. Which means Grand Theft Auto V is no longer just a video game, it’s an instruction manual.

4. As a result of Congress being unable to reach an agreement, the federal government has been shut down since Tuesday morning, sending most federal personnel, including all congressmen, home. You gotta give it up to politicians for continuing to come up with new and creative ways to remind us just how utterly useless they really are. You’re all replaceable, see you at election-time.

5. Republicans in Congress voted to shut down the federal government because their efforts to defund Obamacare failed. So it’s good to know that Congressional Republicans have the same “I’m taking my ball and I’m going home” problem solving skills as your average third-grader.

6. On Tuesday it was announced that singer Lady Gaga and rapper Eminem will be the headline performers at the first-ever YouTube Music Awards. It promises to be a magical evening, capped off by the Grumpy Cat Entertainer of the Year Award.

7. Marine biologists have begin testing a smartphone app that would allow boaters to identify whales outside San Francisco Bay so ships can avoid striking the endangered mammals. “Yeah, avoid them…,” said Japanese fisherman.

8. Assessment tools used to predict how likely a psychopathic prisoner is to re-offend if freed from jail are “utterly useless” and parole boards might just as well flip a coin when deciding such risks, psychiatrists said on Tuesday. “One step ahead of you,” said Anton Chigurh.

9. Fans of fictional every-woman Bridget Jones have taken to social media to express outrage that novelist Helen Fielding has killed off Bridget’s love interest in her latest novel. In a related story, actress Renee Zellweger has also taken to social media to express gratitude that her character was not killed off, unfortunately the same cannot be said about her acting career.

10. As a result of the government shutdown, the federal budget for food inspection has been drastically slashed. Or, as Taco Bell refers to it, business as usual.