Monologue Jokes – March 3, 2020

1. This week McDonald’s announced that it will sell a limited edition six-pack of candles that smell like Quarter Pounder ingredients including ketchup, pickles, cheese, onion and beef. So, your move, Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina. 

2. A man in Wisconsin was arrested last week for allegedly stealing chicken wings and condoms from a Walmart. He was either planning one hell of a night or I’ve been eating chicken wings wrong. 

3. Officials at a library in California are upset after recently discovering that an adult film was shot in the building. And if they’re upset by that, maybe they shouldn’t check the library computer’s search history. 

4. Last week, a U.K. patient underwent brain surgery while playing a violin. Look, if I want to listen to a musician with a brain injury play an instrument, I’d go to a Ted Nugent concert.

5. This week, Democratic presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg revealed, that even though his mother passed away several years ago at the age of 102, he still pays for her home’s phone line so he can call and hear her voice on the answering machine. Because nothing’s more relatable with today’s electorate than needless expenses and landlines. 

6. This week, Democratic presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg revealed, that even though his mother passed away several years ago at the age of 102, he still pays for her home’s phone line so he can call and hear her voice on the answering machine. He’s also opened up a quaint bed and breakfast with her as well:

7. According to reports, former Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein was in good spirits on Tuesday, as he accepted visitors at a Manhattan hospital, despite having been convicted a day earlier of sexual assault and rape. Said an elated Weinstein, “All I have to do is press this button and legally the nurse has to give me a sponge bath.” 

8. A soccer player in France has been suspended for five years after biting the penis of an opponent during an altercation after a match. He was also given a red card for using his hands to cup the balls.

9. It was reported this week that Steven Spielberg’s daughter Mikaela is making pornographic movies. “Oh God, that’s awful. Why would anyone put that on film?” said people after watching ‘Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull.’ 

10. According to a new study, erectile dysfunction pills can permanently distort one’s vision. “His or mine?” said a very hopeful Melania.

11. Three dolphins have been shot or stabbed in Florida since May. Police have named their top suspect, a Ray Finkle: 

12. During a rally, President Donald Trump ridiculed South Korean film “Parasite” winning the Best Picture Oscar, telling a campaign rally he wished for the return of Hollywood classics like “Gone with the Wind.” And you know Trump really hated that movie if he’s taking the side of wind:

13. On Wednesday, the Broadway play “To Kill a Mockingbird” was performed at Madison Square Garden for 18,000 public school students. “Oh, thank God!” said the students once they realized they were watching a three-hour long play based on a book written in the 1950s about race relations and not the Knicks.

14. Disney has announced a new partnership with the plant-based meat company Impossible Foods to offer the Impossible Burger at their resorts and parks. “Just in time,” said Eeyore:

15. A man in Florida was recently arrested at an IHOP restaurant for allegedly asking customers if they wanted to see his genitals. “But I asked this time?!?!?!” said a very confused Louis CK.

16. Despite potentially facing more than two decades in prison, Harvey Weinstein is “not giving up on life,” according to his spokesman. “Man, this guy really is bad at taking ‘No’ for an answer,” said Life.

17. Doctors are warning that putting potatoes up your butt won’t cure hemorrhoids. So I guess it was something else that cured my hemorrhoids.

18. This week, President Trump appointed Vice President Mike Pence to lead the federal task force to get to the bottom of the coronavirus. And, in future news, the coronavirus is caused by gays.

19. According to a spokesman, after his conviction, Harvey Weinstein is going “stir crazy” sitting in his hospital room. But, in Weinstein defense, you’d be pretty stir crazy too if you were trapped in a room with just Harvey Weinstein.

October 11, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Today is the United Nation’s International Day of the Girl Child. Or, as it’s referred to in China, Tuesday.

2. This week marks the 90th anniversary of the first publication of the iconic Winnie the Pooh books. Eeyore celebrated like he always does, by downing fifth of whiskey and a handful of pills.
 
3. In a recent interview, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said San Francisco back-up quarterback Colin Kaepernick’s decision to kneel during the national anthem was one of the dumber things she’s ever seen on a football field. Then she watched the 49ers play the game and said, “I stand corrected.”

4. Verizon may shift marketing away from Samsung’s troubled Galaxy Note 7 mobile phone heading into the holiday selling season. Although, with phones exploding in men’s pockets, the “chestnuts roasting on an open fire” tagline kinda writes itself.
 
5. According to a new study, if the previous occupant of a hospital bed received antibiotics, the next patient who uses that bed may be at higher risk for a severe form of infectious diarrhea. A similar study was conducted at every Days Inn ever.
 
6. British actress Emma Watson condemned child marriage during a visit to Malawi on Monday. Thus ending her chance of ever starring in a Woody Allen movie.

7. The TSA would start securing trains, buses and ferries under a new bill introduced in the Senate this week. Because there’s nothing I want to do more than take my shoes off inside the Port Authority.

8. Holly, one of Queen Elizabeth’s two remaining corgi dogs died on Monday at the age of thirteen. Which can only mean one thing, Holly ate the meat pie Prince Charles prepared for the Queen.

9. According to reports, Iran has blocked access to over 700 dating sites. Forcing residents to get their 99 virgins the old fashioned way.

10. Over the weekend, Paapa Essiedu, the first black actor to play Hamlet for the Royal Shakespeare Company, won best performance at the UK Theatre Awards. The play is exactly like the original except, after Hamlet poses his famous question, a Charlotte police officer answers with “not to be.”

March 18, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. After winning their opening games of the NCAA Tournament, Duke and Yale will play each other on Saturday in Rhode Island. The match-up will be so white and privileged that it is already the front runner for next year’s Oscars.

2. Thursday, was St. Patrick’s Day, where drunk revelers take to the streets to celebrate. Which means today, is watch where you step Friday.

3. On Thursday, a plane that was scheduled to land at New York’s LaGuardia Airport was diverted and landed safely elsewhere after being struck by lightning. “Those lucky bastards,” said the people who were scheduled to and did land at LaGuardia.

4. On Wednesday, Italian-born model Fabio became an American citizen. Of course, the one guy I wanted Trump to deport.

5. According to a new poll, half of U.S. women say they have a “very unfavorable” view of Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump. While the other half are looking for a word stronger than “very.”

6. A San Diego man who inherited from his father a 1974 aluminum penny valued at $2 million has surrendered it to the U.S. Mint to settle a lawsuit over ownership. Here’s a picture of him turning in the coin:
penny

7. During an interview Wednesday morning, Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump said his main foreign policy consultant is himself. He knows there’s more to foreign policy than picking wives, right?

8. Fox News has canceled its March 21st Republican presidential debate following Donald Trump’s announcement that he will not attend. “You’re not supposed to cancel things just because people don’t attend,” said WNBA execs.

9. First lady Michelle Obama said on Wednesday she has no intention to run for president. “Good call,” said this lady:
HIllary

10. According to a new study, Denmark is the happiest place in the world. “Eeyore is really dragging us down,” said Disneyland.

11. Re-testing of hundreds of athletes’ samples collected at the London 2012 and Beijing 2008 Games is underway as the International Olympic Committee bids to root out cheats ahead of Rio 2016. Begging the question, are you just keeping old urine laying around?

12. A new study has determined that heavier women get paid less than skinnier women. The study was conducted by seeing how much money Kirstie Alley made on “Cheers” and then on every project after.

13. An insurance company in Atlanta has made it mandatory for all its employees to carry a gun. “So, I’ll ask you again, do you want additional life insurance?”

14. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau on Friday joked that he is not expecting an influx of unhappy Americans across the border if Republican Donald Trump becomes president. Mainly because most Americans can’t locate Canada on a map.

15. Reporter Michelle Fields filed a criminal complaint on Friday against Republican presidential election front-runner Donald Trump’s campaign manager, saying he grabbed her arm at a rally with such force that he left bruises. So it’s possible Donald Trump doesn’t have a bad spray tan, but, instead, is just covered in one gigantic indian burn.

16. A group that wanted to draft House Speaker Paul Ryan as a Republican presidential candidate is shutting down, a day after Ryan’s political operation sent the organization a cease-and-desist letter demanding it halt its campaign. Begging the question, can Ryan’s political operation send one of those letters to Donald Trump?

17. According to a new study, many parents don’t remember if their children were tested for hearing loss at birth. Although, if, in a few years, your kid likes “One Direction,” you’ll know they weren’t.

18. An Egyptian court on Saturday sentenced a prominent Facebook user to three years in prison with hard labor after he asserted on television that many married women in the conservative country were unfaithful. Which may seem harsh until you remember that he was described as ‘a prominent Facebook user.’

19. According to a new study, woman who make the first move in online dating tend to be rewarded. Especially if that first move is swiping left.

20. Last week, the chihuahua that played Reese Witherspoon’s canine companion in “Legally Blonde” died. Although, he was an actor, so maybe he’s just really good at playing dead.

Monologue Jokes – April 5, 2013

1. Yesterday legendary film critic Roger Ebert died. But, on the plus side, he’ll finally be able to find out Siskel’s opinion of “Juwanna Mann.”

2. Yesterday legendary film critic Roger Ebert died. He was set to watch and review the new Tyler Perry movie, but decided to take the easy way out. 

3. The White House announced that singer Justin Timberlake is slated to perform there on April 9th as part of a celebration for Memphis Soul music. Timberlake usually stands out in a crowd, but I get the feeling he will be really easy to pick out of that crowd.

4. The White House announced that singer Justin Timberlake is slated to perform there on April 9th as part of a celebration for Memphis Soul music. Not to be outdone, also on April 9th, Joey Fatone will be eating at a Waffle House.

5. Teenage pop sensation Justin Bieber has been given a month to provide German authorities with the papers they need to release his pet monkey. Coincidentally, that is also the beginning of Michael Jackson’s last letter to Penthouse.

6. Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora has dropped out of the current leg of the rock band’s tour because of “personal issues.” The good news is Sambora is said to be seeking help to sort of his issues, the bad news is that the tour will go on as scheduled.

7.  According to inside sources, the Walt Disney Company is expected to begin layoffs within the next two weeks. As a result, Eeyore has hung himself.

8. A spokesperson for the Rutgers athletic department said that the university will pay former basketball coach Mike Rice, who was fired for physically and verbally abusing players, a $100,000 bonus per his contract. It’s people like Mike Rice and Joe Jackson that prove there is a fortune in beating kids. 

9. On Thursday, fast food workers demanding higher pay held demonstrations outside many New York City McDonald’s, Wendy’s and KFC restaurants. I know none of them graduated high school, but someone should teach them the definition of the word “leverage.”

10. According to the U.S. Department of Justice, Jeffrey Skilling, the former Enron chief executive who has served 6 1/2 years of his 24-year prison sentence, may get a chance to leave prison early. Now that’s some creative book-keeping. 

11. According to a study released on Thursday, for the first time, a majority of Americans back the legalization of marijuana.  The survey showed 52 percent supported legalization, 40 percent were against it and the remaining 8 percent were sick of all the questions and just wanted to listen to some “tasty tunes.”