February 3, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump said on Monday the United States and China were in close contact regarding the newly identified coronavirus outbreak. “Close contact? Be careful, you might contract something,” said China:

 2. Last week, scientists discovered four new species of sharks that walk. Scientists made this discovery by showing the movie “Cats” to a bunch of sharks and watching them walk out of the theater. 

3. ‘Rolling Stone’ reported this week that during a listening party for his new record, singer Justin Bieber cried during the album’s playback. Crying because you’re being forced to listen to Justin Bieber music is the most relatable Justin Bieber has ever been. 

4. London’s first cheese-themed hotel opened last week. There are only rooms for one, because if your lifestyle makes you want to sleep in a cheese hotel, you’re probably provolone. 

5. NASA recently announced that it wants to put a female astronaut on the moon by 2024. While Mike Pence wants to put all women there by 2025.

6. Author Mary Higgins Clark, known as the ‘Queen of Suspense,’ died on Friday at the age of 92. Or did she? 

7. Doctors have issued a warning telling young men not to masturbate using banana peels, which has become a trend circulating on social media. Otherwise you may find out just how curious George really is.

8. Former National Security Adviser John Bolton has announced that his forthcoming tell-all book will be called “The Room Where It Happened: A White House Memoir.” It will be the first book told entirely from the Presidential bathroom. 

9. Democratic presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg has already spend over a quarter of a billion dollars on campaign ads. It’s all part of Bloomberg’s plan to be more omni-present and annoying than Flo from Progressive. 

10. Border agents arrested a 36-year-old US citizen this week after finding 222 pounds of liquid meth in his truck. To give you an idea, this is what 222 pounds of meth looks like:

11. A man in China recently ate several live eels in an attempt to cure his constipation. “No matter how this ends, it’s gonna be my problem” said the aquarium’s janitor.

12. Last week, it was announced on Twitter that Mr. Peanut, the 104-year old mascot of the Planters snack food company, has died. Although the timing of his death is suspicious since it came so quickly after the release of this photo:

13. An ad appearing in the Waze navigation app is misdirecting motorists trying to get to Atlantic City’s Borgata Casino into the wilderness of New Jersey instead. The ad is actually from the Borgata, specifically the casino’s collections department:

14. Soccer star Megan Rapinoe recently appeared on the cover of ‘Sports Illustrated’ wearing a dress and holding a sledgehammer. “So it was the swimsuit edition,” said lesbians.

15. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. During the first episode Gunther calls the cops on the six black people for loitering in the coffee shop. 

16. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. Great news, we already have our Rachel:

17. Tinder is adding new safety features, including a panic button that alerts safety authorities if something goes wrong during a date. That’s crazy because it implies that something could go right on a Tinder date.

18. “Doctor Who” made history with its first ever black Doctor, who was revealed during Sunday night’s episode. Unfortunately it was Dr. Conrad Murray:

19. Twitter said on Monday accounts of several NFL teams, including the San Francisco 49ers and Kansas City Chiefs, were hacked, ahead of the Super Bowl. And apparently the Cleveland Browns:

20. President Trump tweeted in Arabic and Hebrew this week to promote his new Middle East peace deal. Begging the question, how can you even tell in Trump’s tweets are in a different language:

21. According to reports, Queen Elizabeth initially wanted to demote Prince Harry to an Earl upon hearing his decision to leave the Royal Family. “Vicious burn!” said the whitest people you know. 

22. A woman was arrested last week after attempting to sneak into the U.S. from Canada by running through a library that straddles the border between Quebec and Vermont. Police suspected she wasn’t American because she was in a library.

Monologue Jokes – April 18, 2013

1. According to a new study, doctors order fewer laboratory tests during a patient’s hospital stay if they know how much the tests cost. Unfortunately, that prostate exam doesn’t cost a thing.

2. A St. Paul, Minnesota hospital says it is working to identify the gap in its system that allowed a stillborn baby’s body to wind up at an off-site laundry service. My advice, label your dumpsters better.

3. Tuesday the internet was ablaze with rumors of a “Friends” reunion. Said David Schwimmer, “Ah, let me check my schedule, yeah I’m available.”

4. An international study, published on Thursday, found that people who enjoy successful entertainment or sporting careers tend to die younger. In a related story, I’ve finally agreed that Justin Bieber has had an incredibly successful career.

5. An international study, published on Thursday, found that people who enjoy successful entertainment or sporting careers tend to die younger. While those that don’t, tend to die alone.

6. The number one overall pick in the 2013 WNBA Draft, Brittney Griner, announced that she’s gay. That seems redundant.

7, Former Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf was forced to flee a courtroom moments after judges ordered his arrest. I guess Musharraf forgot to buy the judges, but at least he paid the bailiffs.

8. Carnival Cruise Lines announced it will spend $600 to $700 million to make sure customers have “comforts” like working toilets, air conditioning and adequate food and water. Ah, yes, all the comforts of the bare necessities of life.

9. Carnival Cruise Lines announced it will spend $600 to $700 million to make sure customers have “comforts” like working toilets, air conditioning and adequate food and water. Carnival will also change its motto to “Carnival Cruise Lines, all the comforts of jail, but without all the flash.”

10. Yesterday, CNN rushed-the-gun and incorrectly reported that a suspect was under arrest in connection with the Boston bombings. CNN went on to report that Dewey defeated Truman, Gore won Florida and CNN is good at reporting.