April 27, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Street artist Banksy revealed his latest work, a picture that he painted on the wall of his bathroom while under coronavirus quarantine. While my roommate revealed more of a Jackson Pollack in our shared bathroom.

2. An Iowa woman is sewing masks and hanging them on a ‘giving tree’ for anyone to take. In response, President Trump issued an executive order calling for us to plant more mask trees. 

3. Nicaragua’s president hasn’t been seen in public in over a month. In retrospect, it probably wasn’t a good idea to elect Shelly Miscavige as president of Nicaragua.

4. Convicted felon and preacher Jim Bakker recently said that his ministry will be “totally financially broke” within weeks if they don’t receive an influx of donations. Ironically, Bakker being in financial ruins is proof to me that there is a God.

5. Due to the coronavirus, many brides-to-be are now having virtual bachelorette parties. Which oddly means that the stripper is the only person wearing pants at the beginning of the Zoom call. 

6. Newly drafted New England Patriots rookie kicker Justin Rohrwasser has a tattoo on his left arm that resembles the logo of “The Three Percenters,” a right-wing militia group. Luckily drafting a player with troublesome tattoos has never burnt the Patriots before:

7. Peyton Manning, the number one overall pick by Indianapolis in the 1998 NFL Draft, said Sunday that he gave some advice to this year’s number one pick, quarterback Joe Burrow. That advice, be careful of the friends you surround yourself with:

8. Hall of Fame basketball player Michael Jordan will reportedly donate all proceeds he earns from his ‘Last Dance’ documentary to charity. That charity, the Las Vegas Wynn Resort and Casino.

9. According to reports, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un is brain dead after slipping into a coma during heart surgery. But, on the plus side, he’s still doing better than the doctor who operated on him:

10. President Trump said Tuesday he doesn’t know whether North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un is ill but nevertheless wished him luck. That story again, man with unknown illness wishes Kim Jong Un well.

11. The Supreme Court said on Monday that for the first time it will hear cases argued by teleconference rather than in the courtroom due to the coronavirus. And also partially due to the fact that Gorsuch stopped showering months ago:

12. A village in Indonesia is using volunteers dressed as ghosts to scare people into social distancing. “Yeah … that’s why I’m dressed like this,“ said Stephen Miller:

13. New York Governor Andrew Cuomo said he had a “productive” meeting with President Trump Tuesday at the White House. Adding, “Trump almost solved all of Blue’s clues.”

14. Deaf Americans are urging the White House to use sign language interpreters at coronavirus briefings. Said non-deaf Americans, “Trust me, you don’t want that.”

15. Workers in the port of Antwerp will begin testing wristbands developed that may help guarantee the social distancing required during the COVID-19 pandemic. Although there are much cheaper fashion assessors that will ensure people stay at least six feet away from you:

16. Isolation at home inspired one California family to build an elaborate two-story Rube Goldberg machine. The last time something completely useless took up two stories was everyday for the past three years:

17. The engineers at NASA have developed a ventilator prototype tailored to help coronavirus patients. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, thanks, but we’re drinking bleach now, so we’re all good. 

18. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi on Wednesday called the decision for President Donald Trump’s name to appear on stimulus checks amid the coronavirus pandemic “shameful.” She thinks that’s bad, wait til she finds out where he put his name:

19. The Supreme Court said on Monday that for the first time it will hear cases argued by teleconference rather than in the courtroom due to the coronavirus. And Kavanaugh already has his Zoom background picked out:

20. President Trump recently said his decision to reopen the country will be the “toughest decision that he will ever make. Replacing his previous touches decision, original recipe or extra crispy:

21. Last week, actor Tom Hanks sent a letter and a typewriter to an Australian boy who wrote to him about being bullied over his name, Corona. Said the boy, “Thanks Mr. Hanks, it worked. They no longer tease me about my name, now they make fun of me for owning a fucking typewriter in 2020.”

22. It is being reported that actor Tom Hanks is donating his plasma in an effort to find a cure to the coronavirus. Not to be outdone, Hank’s ‘Bosom Buddies’ co-star Peter Scolari is donating his plasma for about twenty bucks.

23. A man in Ohio was seen protesting stay-at-home orders while wearing an American flag and a diaper. Which means he’s just one poorly-tailored suit away from being President: 

24. A man in Ohio was seen protesting stay-at-home orders while wearing an American flag and a diaper. Although if you can’t trust your bowels to make it through one protest, maybe you should be staying at home.

25. English soccer player Kyle Walker recently apologized for having a prostitute sex party amid the coronavirus lockdown. “Ew, that’s gross,” said Charlie Sheen of soccer. 

Monologue Jokes – August 9, 2013

1. Earlier this week, on Twitter, singer Chris Brown said his upcoming album may be his last. I know it may become a reality very soon, but it is hard to imagine Brown not punching in and punching out of work each day.

2. It has been reported that disgraced chef Paula Deen turned down an offer to appear on “Dancing with the Stars.” Deen declined the invitation because the show combines the two things she hates the most, dancing and not saying the n-word for a whole hour.

3. President Barrack Obama and his family are set to go on an eight-day vacation on Martha’s Vineyard. Which means Biden’s throwing a kegger at the White House.

4. A Maine man who placed a loaded gun into his 4-year-old son’s daycare bag, pleaded not guilty to reckless conduct, claiming the incident was unintentional. But, on the plus side, that kid always gets his first choice of rugs for nap time.

5. Yesterday in Nevada, a woman gave birth to a baby in a Subway restaurant. Ah, the circle of life, what began with a six-inch ended with a six-inch.

6. Late Wednesday night, singer Beyoncé debuted her new, shorter hairstyle, the end result of getting her hair stuck in a fan during a concert performance. Said Maroon 5 lead singer Adam Levine, “I hate to think what would happen if I were forced to cut off what usually gets stuck in a fan after a show.”

7. According to a new study, pregnant women who get flu shots are at no greater risk for pregnancy-related complications. So yeah, your baby is just naturally stupid.

8. Mikhail Gorbachev announced he was, in fact, alive and well after hackers broke into a news agency website late Wednesday and posted a false death report. But it is Russia, so maybe give it a day.

9. The NSA said on Thursday it intends to eliminate about 90 percent of its system administration to reduce the number of people with access to secret information. Yeah, fire the majority of people that know all our secrets, I can’t see any way that can come back and bite us in the ass.

10. Actress Leah Remini, who recently left the Church of Scientology, filed a missing person report for the wife of Scientology leader David Miscavige, claiming she hasn’t appeared in public in six years. Which is funny, because “the King of Queens” went off the air six years ago and I could say that same thing about you, Leah.