January 20, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Madame Tussauds waxwork museum in London announced last week that it had removed figures of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle from their royal exhibit. The last time a room full of royals cleared out that quickly the Queen ripped a mean one. 

2. Actress Gwyneth Paltrow is selling a candle that she claims smells like her vagina. And if you purchase that candle you can expect to hear a lot of questions like ‘Why did you buy this?’ and ‘How did this happen?’ and ‘Are you cooking fish?’ 

3. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. So, yeah, that’s not a spit bucket. 

4. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. Begging the question, who is my thirteen-year-old nephew training to fight? 

5. Five California mountain lions were seen together on home surveillance video this week. It’s the most disturbing grouping of large cats since:

6. A German Shepherd in North Carolina gave birth to a green puppy last week. “I know what you’re thinking,” said the family’s pet turtle. 

7. Chris Beart, the rapper who cut off his own penis before jumping off a two-story building in 2014, recently got married. Said the groomsman who disapproved of the marriage, “This is going to be the second worst decision you’ve ever made.”

8. A new study found no strong evidence linking baby powder to ovarian cancer. Great news for LeBron James’ ovaries:

9. Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced last week that they will be “stepping back” from their role as royals, moving to America, and “will work to become financially independent.” That story again, Harry will be answering to a new King:

10. Last week, a Florida man pled guilty to a trafficking scheme in which live water monitor lizards were concealed inside electronic equipment and smuggled from the Philippines into the U.S. Which explains why my fax machine just ate my cat.

11. Police in Florida are seeking help locating a burglar who broke into a house and told the owners he was “there to suck toes.” That story again, Quentin Tarantino is apparently scouting filming locations in Florida.

12. Scientists recently conducted a study in which they put 3D glasses on cuttlefish and showed them film clips. The study found that if you put 3D glasses on cuttlefish for a long enough period you’ll lose your job as a scientist.

13. Last week, Georgia authorities say a man broke into a Taco Bell restaurant, prepared food, and took a nap inside. The man made a meal and took a nap or, as President Trump refers to it, a full workday.

14. According to a new study, older people who frequent art galleries and museums and attend the theater may live longer than those who don’t. “Strongly disagree?” said the ghost of Lincoln.

15. It was revealed this week that the New York Public Library’s most checked-out book of all time is the children’s book “The Snowy Day.” While the Library’s least checked-out book, “The Erotic Tales of Wilford Brimley.”

16. Monday night, the LSU Tigers beat the Clemson Tigers 42-25 to win the college football National Championship. It’s the first time a tiger beat itself since:

17. According to a new study, Mars is losing water quicker than expected. That story again, Mars is still more inhabitable than Flint, Michigan.

18. On Monday, the Cleveland Browns named Kevin Stefanski their new head coach because, I assume, he was the last one to say ‘Not it.’

19. A Florida woman was arrested this week for building a bomb in a Walmart from items she found in the store. So, just one item?:

20. Last week, a man asked a court to grant his motion for trial by combat so he can meet his ex-wife and her attorney “on the field of battle.” “Hey at least I asked the court ahead of time this time,” said O.J.

January 15, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. A recent Delta flight from Cleveland to New York took off with just two passengers. Yet somehow when the second passenger got on board all the overhead compartments were already full.

2. The Milwaukee Brewers are offering fans the chance to buy a $1,000 “Timeless Ticket” redeemable to attend any game in the future. The only downside, it has to be a Brewers game.

3. According to reports, Mitt Romney is purportedly putting his 2012 election team back together. Said his former campaign manager, “I’m so happy I didn’t throw out these binders full of women.”

4. On Tuesday, Mexican billionaire Carlos Slim became the largest shareholder of the New York Times. Slim said he intends to leave the newspaper largely unchanged except from now on the Accent section will just be him reading the front page.

5. According to new research, abuse of opiate-based prescription painkillers such as oxycodine and morphine are on the decline in the U.S. “You’re welcome,” said meth.

6. The New York Jets’ announcement that it had hired former Arizona Cardinals defensive coordinator Todd Bowles as its next head coach was met with a less than enthusiastic response yesterday. Yet no one was more disappointed in the news than Todd Bowles.

7. Yesterday, President Obama called Urban Meyer to congratulate the Ohio State head coach on his team’s upset victory over Oregon in the first College Football Playoff Championship. Said Barack, “Urban, I know what it’s like to be an underdog who critics say can’t possibly live up to the hype, but what’s it like to actually follow through?”

8. Volunteers are searching a wooded area north of Seattle for a missing wallaby who bounded away from its crate during a transfer to a local petting zoo last week. But, if it’s anything like Seattle’s last residents who were fond of jumping and went missing, it will turn up in Oklahoma City.

9. Yesterday, the GOP announced that it will choose a presidential candidate in July of 2016, a full month before it traditionally decided. Republican leaders said they needed the extra time to reenforce the convention stage in case Christie gets the nomination.

10. Little-known American golfer Bhavik Patel has been banned by the PGA Tour after violating its anti-doping policy on the use of performance enhancing substances. Tour officials became suspicious of Patel when his golf ball exploded upon impact.