December 23, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Hundreds of crazed Ryan Reynolds fans in South America pushed through a barricade to get to actor. That story again, apparently the movie ‘Green Lantern’ was never released in South America. 

2. Dozens of Indonesians took part in a shouting competition in the capital Jakarta last week. So hopefully all those long nights of practice paid off, couple who live in the apartment next to me. 

3. Police say a man crammed thirty bags of frozen shrimp down his pants in burglaries at multiple California grocery stores. Shouted the man as they put him in the police car, “Tell everyone that they were jumbo shrimp!” 

4. Last week it was announced that guitarist John Frusciante is rejoining the Red Hot Chili Peppers, a few years after he left the band. Turns out he wasn’t a great fit at his office job:

 5. In an apparent effort to escalate their feud, rapper Nick Cannon claimed last week that there is a video of Eminem ‘sucking a cock.’ Even more embarrassing, there are multiple videos of Nick Cannon sucking at rap.

6. According to a new study, athletes have healthier brains and, as a result, can hear better. “What did you say?” said every member of the Knicks.

7. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Because apparently ‘Baby Yoda’ is two words.

8. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Further proof that this year has really fucking sucked.

9. The Justice Department recently announced that it will review plans by Google to buy fitness tracker Fitbit. Said the DOJ to Google, “Are you really going to use it? Or is just gonna end up in a drawer somewhere?”

10. According to reports, President Trump is likely to nominate Hudson Institute CEO Kenneth Weinstein as his new ambassador to Japan. The ambassador said he is honored to have the position and will do his best not to ruin the good ‘Weinstein’ name.

11. Over the weekend, the U.S. golf team, led by Tiger Woods, won the Presidents Cup. Although anyone with $1.99 to spare, can get the same cup as the President:

12. On Tuesday, Joe Biden’s doc said the former Vice President is healthy enough to undertake the duties of the presidency. Actually, his exact words were, “Well if that guy can do it”:

13. President Trump on Tuesday issued a stark warning to congressional Democrats, saying that if they pursue impeachment against him they will be “declaring war on American democracy.” Said Nancy Pelosi:

14. Artist Simone Fugazzotto defended on Tuesday a widely criticized anti-racism campaign launched by Italy’s Serie A soccer league which features his paintings of apes. Said the artist, “What does ‘anti’ mean?”

15. A duck in the U.K. had to have its penis removed recently after it began attempting to mate with females up to ten times per day. And, just like that, I believe in reincarnation:

16. According to the Center for Disease Control, puppies purchased from pet stores have been linked to bacterial infection outbreak in over thirty states. “So, you’re welcome?” said Michael Vick.

17. Thousands of Liberian immigrants will be eligible to apply for green cards and eventual U.S. citizenship under the terms of a defense spending bill passed by the Senate on Tuesday. Or at least until President Trump realizes they are talking about African immigrants and not librarians.

18. During a rally theis past week, President Trump joked that former Congressman John Dingell, who died in February, might be in hell. “You don’t have to die to find yourself in hell,” said Melania.

Monologue Jokes – May 28, 2013

1. According to a new study, more babies born via cesarean section grow up to be heavy kids and teens than those delivered vaginally. Although, this seems like it might be a “chicken or the egg” type of problem.

2. A controversial Japanese politician apologized Monday for suggesting that U.S. military service members should use the adult entertainment industry in Japan to relieve sexual frustration and reduce aggression. Even more offensive, that politician was actually Bill Clinton using his fingers to make his eyes look Asian.

3. Parents of a 15-year-old Chinese tourist have apologized after the teenager defaced a stone sculpture in an ancient Egyptian tomb with graffiti. But, in his defense, the tomb was pretty “gay-balls.”

4. Ed Shaughnessy, the longtime drummer for “The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson,” has died at the age of 84. His last words were reportedly “There’s Johnny.”

5. During his keynote speech at the Google I/O developers conference, co-founder Larry Page said he wants to focus on getting more women involved in the tech industry. Apparently, Larry and I are not frequenting the same websites.

6. On Monday, News Corp. said it is still reviewing its records for any notification from the U.S. government involving a subpoena for a Fox News reporter’s phone records. Adding, “This may take some time, this whole going through actual evidence thing is completely new to us.”

7. Yesterday, the NYPD shutdown the Brooklyn Bridge to inspect an abandoned SUV that did not have plates nor a vehicle identification number. Even more concerning said New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg was the Big Gulp found in the front seat.

8. Last night, in her WNBA debut, number one overall pick Brittany Griner dunked the basketball. This begs the question, if someone dunks a basketball and no one is around to see it, does it matter?

9. James Sisnett, the second oldest man alive at the age of 113 has died. Police have one suspect.

10. A popular Memphis restaurant turned away San Antonio Spurs guard Tony Parker when he arrived for dinner without a reservation. The restaurant owner said he didn’t deny Parker because the Spurs were playing the hometown Memphis Grizzlies in the NBA Playoffs, but, instead, because he’s French.

11. An airline passenger who attempted to open an emergency door during a flight Monday morning has been arrested. But, in his defense, the plane was showing a Tyler Perry movie.

12. An airline passenger who made “unusual statements” and attempted to open an emergency door during a flight Monday morning has been arrested. Those “unusual statements”? “Wow, we took off on time, everyone’s been so courteous and look at all this legroom!”

13. Actress Amanda Bynes appeared in court on Friday to deny charges of possessing marijuana and tossing a bong out the window of her 36th floor Manhattan apartment. Some are comparing her to troubled actress Lindsay Lohan, but the comparison seems off since Bynes is throwing away things that actually belong to her.