February 3, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump said on Monday the United States and China were in close contact regarding the newly identified coronavirus outbreak. “Close contact? Be careful, you might contract something,” said China:

 2. Last week, scientists discovered four new species of sharks that walk. Scientists made this discovery by showing the movie “Cats” to a bunch of sharks and watching them walk out of the theater. 

3. ‘Rolling Stone’ reported this week that during a listening party for his new record, singer Justin Bieber cried during the album’s playback. Crying because you’re being forced to listen to Justin Bieber music is the most relatable Justin Bieber has ever been. 

4. London’s first cheese-themed hotel opened last week. There are only rooms for one, because if your lifestyle makes you want to sleep in a cheese hotel, you’re probably provolone. 

5. NASA recently announced that it wants to put a female astronaut on the moon by 2024. While Mike Pence wants to put all women there by 2025.

6. Author Mary Higgins Clark, known as the ‘Queen of Suspense,’ died on Friday at the age of 92. Or did she? 

7. Doctors have issued a warning telling young men not to masturbate using banana peels, which has become a trend circulating on social media. Otherwise you may find out just how curious George really is.

8. Former National Security Adviser John Bolton has announced that his forthcoming tell-all book will be called “The Room Where It Happened: A White House Memoir.” It will be the first book told entirely from the Presidential bathroom. 

9. Democratic presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg has already spend over a quarter of a billion dollars on campaign ads. It’s all part of Bloomberg’s plan to be more omni-present and annoying than Flo from Progressive. 

10. Border agents arrested a 36-year-old US citizen this week after finding 222 pounds of liquid meth in his truck. To give you an idea, this is what 222 pounds of meth looks like:

11. A man in China recently ate several live eels in an attempt to cure his constipation. “No matter how this ends, it’s gonna be my problem” said the aquarium’s janitor.

12. Last week, it was announced on Twitter that Mr. Peanut, the 104-year old mascot of the Planters snack food company, has died. Although the timing of his death is suspicious since it came so quickly after the release of this photo:

13. An ad appearing in the Waze navigation app is misdirecting motorists trying to get to Atlantic City’s Borgata Casino into the wilderness of New Jersey instead. The ad is actually from the Borgata, specifically the casino’s collections department:

14. Soccer star Megan Rapinoe recently appeared on the cover of ‘Sports Illustrated’ wearing a dress and holding a sledgehammer. “So it was the swimsuit edition,” said lesbians.

15. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. During the first episode Gunther calls the cops on the six black people for loitering in the coffee shop. 

16. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. Great news, we already have our Rachel:

17. Tinder is adding new safety features, including a panic button that alerts safety authorities if something goes wrong during a date. That’s crazy because it implies that something could go right on a Tinder date.

18. “Doctor Who” made history with its first ever black Doctor, who was revealed during Sunday night’s episode. Unfortunately it was Dr. Conrad Murray:

19. Twitter said on Monday accounts of several NFL teams, including the San Francisco 49ers and Kansas City Chiefs, were hacked, ahead of the Super Bowl. And apparently the Cleveland Browns:

20. President Trump tweeted in Arabic and Hebrew this week to promote his new Middle East peace deal. Begging the question, how can you even tell in Trump’s tweets are in a different language:

21. According to reports, Queen Elizabeth initially wanted to demote Prince Harry to an Earl upon hearing his decision to leave the Royal Family. “Vicious burn!” said the whitest people you know. 

22. A woman was arrested last week after attempting to sneak into the U.S. from Canada by running through a library that straddles the border between Quebec and Vermont. Police suspected she wasn’t American because she was in a library.

November 26, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. A hospital in eastern China is offering fathers-to-be a chance to experience the pain associated with childbirth. And, since this is China, I assume “pain associated with childbirth” means having a daughter.

2. Last week, 4,200 rabbis from 80 countries met in Brooklyn for a conference. That, or there was a Mumford & Sons concert.

3. Over the weekend, at Boston’s Logan International Airport, a naked man fell through the ceiling of a women’s restroom, ran outside and bit the ear of an 84-year-old man. “Boy do I,” said the 84-year-old when asked by customs if he had anything to declare.

4. On Tuesday, Will Lautzenheiser thanked the Boston surgeons who performed a rare dual arm transplant on him last month. Lautzenheiser thanked them by giving them five thumbs up, there are still some kinks in the procedure.

5. Competitive eater Joey Chesnut set a new record by eating an entire turkey in ten minutes. Afterwards, the person who got the wishbone wished to unsee the whole thing.

6. CNBC reported that Twitter is in talks to buy Shots, a selfie photo-sharing app financially-backed by Justin Bieber. It’s all part of Twitter’s plan to give Bieber enough money that he stops making music.

7. Actor Shia LaBeouf made a brief appearance in Manhattan Criminal Court on Tuesday to show he was in compliance with a treatment program after he pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct in September. And, as with anything LaBeouf appears in, as a result, the New York court’s Rotten Tomatoes approval rating plummeted.

8. The Cowardly Lion costume worn in “The Wizard of Oz” was auctioned for nearly $3.1 million on Tuesday. “Now comes the hard part, deciding who should wear it during our role-playing,” said Siegfried.

9. On Monday, at the 2014 USA Swimming Golden Goggles Awards, Michael Phelps was named Male Athlete of the Year. The runner-up was Phelps’ girlfriend.

10. A Siberian tiger released into the wild by Russian President Vladimir Putin is the main suspect in a series of goat deaths in China’s northeast. Even crazier, all the goats died from gunshot wounds.