April 27, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Street artist Banksy revealed his latest work, a picture that he painted on the wall of his bathroom while under coronavirus quarantine. While my roommate revealed more of a Jackson Pollack in our shared bathroom.

2. An Iowa woman is sewing masks and hanging them on a ‘giving tree’ for anyone to take. In response, President Trump issued an executive order calling for us to plant more mask trees. 

3. Nicaragua’s president hasn’t been seen in public in over a month. In retrospect, it probably wasn’t a good idea to elect Shelly Miscavige as president of Nicaragua.

4. Convicted felon and preacher Jim Bakker recently said that his ministry will be “totally financially broke” within weeks if they don’t receive an influx of donations. Ironically, Bakker being in financial ruins is proof to me that there is a God.

5. Due to the coronavirus, many brides-to-be are now having virtual bachelorette parties. Which oddly means that the stripper is the only person wearing pants at the beginning of the Zoom call. 

6. Newly drafted New England Patriots rookie kicker Justin Rohrwasser has a tattoo on his left arm that resembles the logo of “The Three Percenters,” a right-wing militia group. Luckily drafting a player with troublesome tattoos has never burnt the Patriots before:

7. Peyton Manning, the number one overall pick by Indianapolis in the 1998 NFL Draft, said Sunday that he gave some advice to this year’s number one pick, quarterback Joe Burrow. That advice, be careful of the friends you surround yourself with:

8. Hall of Fame basketball player Michael Jordan will reportedly donate all proceeds he earns from his ‘Last Dance’ documentary to charity. That charity, the Las Vegas Wynn Resort and Casino.

9. According to reports, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un is brain dead after slipping into a coma during heart surgery. But, on the plus side, he’s still doing better than the doctor who operated on him:

10. President Trump said Tuesday he doesn’t know whether North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un is ill but nevertheless wished him luck. That story again, man with unknown illness wishes Kim Jong Un well.

11. The Supreme Court said on Monday that for the first time it will hear cases argued by teleconference rather than in the courtroom due to the coronavirus. And also partially due to the fact that Gorsuch stopped showering months ago:

12. A village in Indonesia is using volunteers dressed as ghosts to scare people into social distancing. “Yeah … that’s why I’m dressed like this,“ said Stephen Miller:

13. New York Governor Andrew Cuomo said he had a “productive” meeting with President Trump Tuesday at the White House. Adding, “Trump almost solved all of Blue’s clues.”

14. Deaf Americans are urging the White House to use sign language interpreters at coronavirus briefings. Said non-deaf Americans, “Trust me, you don’t want that.”

15. Workers in the port of Antwerp will begin testing wristbands developed that may help guarantee the social distancing required during the COVID-19 pandemic. Although there are much cheaper fashion assessors that will ensure people stay at least six feet away from you:

16. Isolation at home inspired one California family to build an elaborate two-story Rube Goldberg machine. The last time something completely useless took up two stories was everyday for the past three years:

17. The engineers at NASA have developed a ventilator prototype tailored to help coronavirus patients. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, thanks, but we’re drinking bleach now, so we’re all good. 

18. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi on Wednesday called the decision for President Donald Trump’s name to appear on stimulus checks amid the coronavirus pandemic “shameful.” She thinks that’s bad, wait til she finds out where he put his name:

19. The Supreme Court said on Monday that for the first time it will hear cases argued by teleconference rather than in the courtroom due to the coronavirus. And Kavanaugh already has his Zoom background picked out:

20. President Trump recently said his decision to reopen the country will be the “toughest decision that he will ever make. Replacing his previous touches decision, original recipe or extra crispy:

21. Last week, actor Tom Hanks sent a letter and a typewriter to an Australian boy who wrote to him about being bullied over his name, Corona. Said the boy, “Thanks Mr. Hanks, it worked. They no longer tease me about my name, now they make fun of me for owning a fucking typewriter in 2020.”

22. It is being reported that actor Tom Hanks is donating his plasma in an effort to find a cure to the coronavirus. Not to be outdone, Hank’s ‘Bosom Buddies’ co-star Peter Scolari is donating his plasma for about twenty bucks.

23. A man in Ohio was seen protesting stay-at-home orders while wearing an American flag and a diaper. Which means he’s just one poorly-tailored suit away from being President: 

24. A man in Ohio was seen protesting stay-at-home orders while wearing an American flag and a diaper. Although if you can’t trust your bowels to make it through one protest, maybe you should be staying at home.

25. English soccer player Kyle Walker recently apologized for having a prostitute sex party amid the coronavirus lockdown. “Ew, that’s gross,” said Charlie Sheen of soccer. 

October 2, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a recent interview, 70-year-old, British actress Helen Mirren said she won’t do nude or topless scenes anymore. “Great, more work for me,” said Kathy Bates.

2. On Thursday, the U.S. National Hurricane Center said that Hurricane Joaquin is now seen as less likely to pose a major threat to the East Coast. Said Donald Trump, “And, if I’m elected president, that will just be the first of many Joaquins that won’t pose a threat.”

3. According to a new poll, 75 percent of Republican voters said they would be less likely to vote for a candidate who is Muslim. The poll was conducted by reading a few emails about Obama from your uncle.

4. According to a new study, women who suffer from a leading cause of infertility may increase their odds of conception if they exercise and lose weight. That story again, men don’t want to sleep with fat messes.

5. A man in Russia injected himself with a 3.5-million-year-old bacteria hoping it would make him immortal. “That’s not how you do it,” said Larry King.

6. Uruguay said on Thursday it had granted licenses to two companies to grow marijuana for commercial distribution, adding that the plant should go on sale in pharmacies next year. Which is not nearly enough time for potheads to figure out where Uruguay is.

7. Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson said he believes people should be able to fly the Confederate flag as long as it’s on private property. Unfortunately, most trailer parks are considered communal areas.

8. In a recent interview, actor Vin Diesel said the Fast and Furious movie franchise will wrap up after three more films. Now comes the hard for Diesel, counting to three.

9. According to a new report, exposure to toxic chemicals in food, water and air is linked to millions of deaths. That story again, the word ‘toxic’ still means exactly what you think it does.

10. A Florida teenager has been jailed after his grandmother called police when she saw him allegedly stealing almost 100 guns from a neighbor’s home. Which has to be one of the better possible outcomes when robbing a house that has over 100 guns in it.

11. A mural painted by British graffiti artist Banksy on an out-of-business auto factory in Detroit, sold for $137,500 yesterday. It’s not surprising that the most valuable thing in Detroit was some graffiti.

12. Rapper Kanye West will preform at a Democratic National Committee fundraiser next week. Said Ted Cruz to Ben Carson, “Wait, I thought you were Kanye West.”

13. Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush said the Washington Redskins should keep their controversial name despite complaints from Native American groups. But Bush said he would tweak the name to ‘Redskins!’

14. “Duck Dynasty” star Willie Robertson has endorsed Donald Trump for president. That is, if you consider saying, “I’d really like to shoot whatever’s on that guy’s head,” as an endorsement.

15. Researchers in Singapore are working on a robot who can put together furniture made by IKEA. Unfortunately, the researchers ordered the robot’s parts from IKEA, so they haven’t made any progress.

16. MMA fighter Bryeanne Russillo said she is being forced to fight in a higher weight class because her breasts are too big and weigh too much. “Tell me about it, girlfriend,” said George Foreman.

17. Scientists have discovered that giraffes hum, but only at night. “Looks like someone’s job just got a whole lot easier,” said lions.

18. On Thursday night, a woman gave birth to a baby girl at Petco Field in San Diego during a Padres game. Which is an ingenious way to sneak two people into a baseball game with one ticket.

19. Kim Davis, the Kentucky clerk who when went to jail rather than issue marriage licenses to gay couples, has left the Democratic party and become a Republican. Thus, the Democratic party’s loss is the Republican party’s even bigger loss.

20. Claiming that the media mischaracterized his recent comments on Muslims, on Friday, Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson told the media that it needed to “mature.” Said the media, “I’m not touching you. I’m not touching you.”

April 2, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a recent interview, Senator Rand Paul said he doesn’t think he’s ever used the term “gay rights.” Which is kinda like bragging that you still use a BlackBerry.

2. The Rolling Stones have announced a new 15-city U.S. stadium tour. The Stones have almost exclusively played stadiums since the construction of the Colosseum.

3. Cynthia Lenon, John Lennon’s first wife, died yesterday that the age of 75. She is most known for not breaking-up the Beatles.

4. The Sacramento Kings are set to sign Sim Bhullar, making him the first player of Indian descent to ever play in the NBA. “Oh, how interesting, a new type of person to hate,” said Donald Sterling.

5. A Palestinian man was lamenting his misfortune on Wednesday after selling his bombed-out door for $175 without realizing the image painted on it was by Banksy and worth much more. Even worse news for the man who lives in an area so dangerous that bombs are bing dropped, he no longer has a door.

6. Alexander Bradley, a former friend of Aaron Hernandez, testified on Wednesday that he saw the ex-Patriot with a gun similar to the one used in the murder in question. And, in future news, Alexander Bradley is dead.

7. With the recent death of 117-year-old Misao Okawa, 116-year-old Gertrude Weaver of Arkansas is now the world’s oldest person. Coincidentally, she is also the world’s youngest Gertrude.

8. President Obama launched a sanctions program on Wednesday aimed at individuals outside the country that use cyber attacks to threaten the U.S. The first target, who’s ever in charge of those Adobe Acrobat updates.

9. According to a new study, obese children have taste buds that are less likely to detect fats than those of leaner kids. Man, even their taste buds are lazy.

10. As an April Fools joke, the South African president’s office sent out a press release yesterday announcing new cabinet appointments for positions that do not exist, which was then reported as fact by the local media. “I guess I gotta look for another new job now,” said South African Nightly News anchor Brian Williams.

November 22, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, singer Chris Brown was booted from a rehab facility this month after smashing his mother’s car window during a family session. So, he’s cured?

2. According to reports, singer Chris Brown was booted from a rehab facility this month after smashing his mother’s car window during a family session. But, in his defense, you’d flip-out if you saw Chris Brown staring back at you when you looked in a car window, too.

3. Gillette announced Thursday that it would auction off two hair balls, formerly the beards of World Series MVP David Ortiz and Red Sox teammate Shane Victorino. Gillette says they are the perfect gift for the Yankee fan who wants to put that personal touch on his voodoo dolls.

4. A new study suggests, being in good physical shape may help preserve people’s thinking and memory skills. So great news America, we’re no longer fat and stupid, now we’re just fat and forgetful.

5. A poll released on Thursday showed an overwhelming majority of Floridians would support legalizing marijuana for medical purposes in the Sunshine State. Although it is a little suspicious that everyone who took the poll winked and used air-quotes when they said “medical purpose.”

6. A broken heart and a graffiti-covered car door will be the first two pieces from street artist Banksy’s New York series to go up for public sale next month. So if you’re in the market for a graffiti-covered car door, why?

7. Actor Leonardo DiCaprio’s conservation foundation has awarded a $3 million grant to the World Wildlife Foundation to help Nepal increase its tiger population. $3 million? That’s a lot of tiger lube.

8. In a recent interview, singer Justin Bieber said he “is happy with the man he is becoming.” I don’t know about man? Chaz Bono is a more convincing man.

9. This week, People Magazine named singer Adam Levine as the “Sexiest Man Alive.” So I guess it’s safe to assume the editors at People watch “the Voice” on mute.

10. George P. Bush, son of Jeb Bush and nephew of former President George W. Bush, has filed the necessary paperwork to run for state office in Texas. Begging the question, how uncreative is this family when it comes to naming kids. I don’t know, fuck it, name him George again.

11. A Massachusetts high school football team canceled the rest of its season after someone scrawled a racial epithet on the home of one of its players. Said one Jacksonville Jaguars fan, “That’s all it takes for a team to stop playing? Do you know where I can get a can of spray paint? And, follow-up question, do you know where any Jaguar players live?”

12. According to new research, cigarette smokers over 65 years old who quit may be able to reduce their risk of dying from heart-related problems to levels of those who never smoked. So, if you’re under 65, keep smoking, I guess.