April 27, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Street artist Banksy revealed his latest work, a picture that he painted on the wall of his bathroom while under coronavirus quarantine. While my roommate revealed more of a Jackson Pollack in our shared bathroom.

2. An Iowa woman is sewing masks and hanging them on a ‘giving tree’ for anyone to take. In response, President Trump issued an executive order calling for us to plant more mask trees. 

3. Nicaragua’s president hasn’t been seen in public in over a month. In retrospect, it probably wasn’t a good idea to elect Shelly Miscavige as president of Nicaragua.

4. Convicted felon and preacher Jim Bakker recently said that his ministry will be “totally financially broke” within weeks if they don’t receive an influx of donations. Ironically, Bakker being in financial ruins is proof to me that there is a God.

5. Due to the coronavirus, many brides-to-be are now having virtual bachelorette parties. Which oddly means that the stripper is the only person wearing pants at the beginning of the Zoom call. 

6. Newly drafted New England Patriots rookie kicker Justin Rohrwasser has a tattoo on his left arm that resembles the logo of “The Three Percenters,” a right-wing militia group. Luckily drafting a player with troublesome tattoos has never burnt the Patriots before:

7. Peyton Manning, the number one overall pick by Indianapolis in the 1998 NFL Draft, said Sunday that he gave some advice to this year’s number one pick, quarterback Joe Burrow. That advice, be careful of the friends you surround yourself with:

8. Hall of Fame basketball player Michael Jordan will reportedly donate all proceeds he earns from his ‘Last Dance’ documentary to charity. That charity, the Las Vegas Wynn Resort and Casino.

9. According to reports, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un is brain dead after slipping into a coma during heart surgery. But, on the plus side, he’s still doing better than the doctor who operated on him:

10. President Trump said Tuesday he doesn’t know whether North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un is ill but nevertheless wished him luck. That story again, man with unknown illness wishes Kim Jong Un well.

11. The Supreme Court said on Monday that for the first time it will hear cases argued by teleconference rather than in the courtroom due to the coronavirus. And also partially due to the fact that Gorsuch stopped showering months ago:

12. A village in Indonesia is using volunteers dressed as ghosts to scare people into social distancing. “Yeah … that’s why I’m dressed like this,“ said Stephen Miller:

13. New York Governor Andrew Cuomo said he had a “productive” meeting with President Trump Tuesday at the White House. Adding, “Trump almost solved all of Blue’s clues.”

14. Deaf Americans are urging the White House to use sign language interpreters at coronavirus briefings. Said non-deaf Americans, “Trust me, you don’t want that.”

15. Workers in the port of Antwerp will begin testing wristbands developed that may help guarantee the social distancing required during the COVID-19 pandemic. Although there are much cheaper fashion assessors that will ensure people stay at least six feet away from you:

16. Isolation at home inspired one California family to build an elaborate two-story Rube Goldberg machine. The last time something completely useless took up two stories was everyday for the past three years:

17. The engineers at NASA have developed a ventilator prototype tailored to help coronavirus patients. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, thanks, but we’re drinking bleach now, so we’re all good. 

18. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi on Wednesday called the decision for President Donald Trump’s name to appear on stimulus checks amid the coronavirus pandemic “shameful.” She thinks that’s bad, wait til she finds out where he put his name:

19. The Supreme Court said on Monday that for the first time it will hear cases argued by teleconference rather than in the courtroom due to the coronavirus. And Kavanaugh already has his Zoom background picked out:

20. President Trump recently said his decision to reopen the country will be the “toughest decision that he will ever make. Replacing his previous touches decision, original recipe or extra crispy:

21. Last week, actor Tom Hanks sent a letter and a typewriter to an Australian boy who wrote to him about being bullied over his name, Corona. Said the boy, “Thanks Mr. Hanks, it worked. They no longer tease me about my name, now they make fun of me for owning a fucking typewriter in 2020.”

22. It is being reported that actor Tom Hanks is donating his plasma in an effort to find a cure to the coronavirus. Not to be outdone, Hank’s ‘Bosom Buddies’ co-star Peter Scolari is donating his plasma for about twenty bucks.

23. A man in Ohio was seen protesting stay-at-home orders while wearing an American flag and a diaper. Which means he’s just one poorly-tailored suit away from being President: 

24. A man in Ohio was seen protesting stay-at-home orders while wearing an American flag and a diaper. Although if you can’t trust your bowels to make it through one protest, maybe you should be staying at home.

25. English soccer player Kyle Walker recently apologized for having a prostitute sex party amid the coronavirus lockdown. “Ew, that’s gross,” said Charlie Sheen of soccer. 

November 20, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. A pair of Belgian university professors announced a startling discovery last week after examining the top ten most borrowed books at the Antwerp library, finding all ten contained cocaine residue. Everyone’s doing coke off their iPads now, get with the times Belgium.

2. A pair of Belgian university professors announced a startling discovery last week after examining the top ten most borrowed books at the Antwerp library, finding a copy of S&M themed novel “Fifty Shades of Grey” tested positive for herpes. Begging the question, have I been doing this whole reading thing wrong this whole time?

3. A pair of Belgian university professors announced a startling discovery last week after examining the top ten most borrowed books at the Antwerp library, finding a copy of S&M themed novel “Fifty Shades of Grey” tested positive for herpes. It’s all part of Belgium’s “Read to Conceive” campaign.

4. Yesterday, singer Kelly Clarkson announced via Twitter that she is pregnant with her first child. “I knew she looked pregnant,” said fans three years ago.

5. On Tuesday, Forbes Magazine named Madonna as the highest-paid musician of 2013. Proving, just like Michael Jackson, some singers make more money once they’re dead. What? Really? Well, she looks terrible.

6. Yesterday, Kanye West debuted his new music video showcasing his fiancée Kim Kardashian riding a motorcycle, semi-nude. Those who have seen it, say it is their second favorite video featuring Kim.

7. Starbucks failed to persuade a federal appeals court to stop a small, family-owned New Hampshire shop from selling coffee known as “Charbucks.” Experts say this ruling now opens up a legal avenue for Star Jones to release her sex tape entitled “Star F@©ks,”

8. MSNBC has suspended Alec Baldwin’s new talk show for two weeks after only three shows in response to the actor’s use of gay slurs. So if you had three shows in your “How Long Until Alec Baldwin Gets Suspended” office pool, you win.

9. The Hollywood film industry recognized Angelina Jolie on Saturday with a humanitarian award for her work with refugees and advocating for human rights throughout her career. Rob Schneider was also recognized for his humanitarian efforts for easing the pain in the world by agreeing to not make another movie.

10. On Friday, the editorial board of a Pennsylvania newspaper retracted a very old op-ed piece that panned President Abraham Lincoln’s iconic Gettysburg Address as “silly remarks.” The newspaper also apologized for their review of “Our American Cousin,” the play Lincoln attended two years later, which they called “a delight.”