Tag Archives: Alabama

July 28, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Hillary Clinton’s new memoir on the 2016 presidential race will be released in September. Or, if you just can’t wait until then, you can read it on Wikileaks in August.

2. President Trump lashed out on Twitter on Thursday against the ‘Fake News’ for not reporting that Russian spies had information on his campaign too. Um, I’m pretty sure they did report on that:

3. A Minnesota choir teacher is being charged with having a sexual relationship with a student and sending partially naked photos of herself to him. School officials became suspicious when the boy when from an alto to a baritone in a week.

4. On Thursday, the Trump administration warned of potential repercussions for Alaska after its Senator Lisa Murkowski voted against the Republican backed healthcare bill. Said Alaska, “There’s nothing you can do to us that will hurt worse than what we’ve already done to ourselves”:

5. According to reports, Russian intelligence agents created dozens of phony Facebook accounts in an effort to spy on Emmanuel Macron during the French presidential election. That story again, the Russian intelligence agency is composed entirely of jilted ex-girlfriends.

6. Singer Justin Bieber hit a paparazzo with his truck in Beverly Hills Wednesday night. Oh no, is the truck alright?

7. On Wednesday, White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci compared President Trump’s bid to repeal Obamacare to President Lincoln abolishing slavery. And, in Scaramucci’s defense, both involve trying to sweep the work of black men under the rug.

8. An upcoming episode of PBS’s ‘Finding Your Roots’ uncovers that comedian Larry David is related to politician Bernie Sanders. The exhaustive research to make that discovery involved looking at them.

9. Late Tuesday night, White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci accused chief of staff Reince Priebus of leaking Scaramucci’s public financial disclosure forms to the press. Said Scaramucci, “I know it was you Reince, you broke my heart”:

10. Police pulled over a man in upstate New York who was driving a car with no windshield, no doors and an axe stuck in the roof. Begging the question, it is too early to start putting ‘Kid Rock for Senate 2020’ bumperstickers on cars?

11. Actress Olivia Wilde felt so bad that Jennifer Lawrence vomited from the graphic imagery presented in her theater-version of ‘1984’ that she sent the Oscar winner soup. If that’s the case, then Mickey Rourke’s face owes me a ton of soup.

12. A 44-year-old man in China was recently hospitalized with severe kidney problems after eating fifty-four scoops of ice cream in one sitting. That story again, two down and just fifty-two to go:

13. According to reports, for the first time ever American scientists have successfully edited the DNA of a human embryo. Well, for the first time ever on purpose:

14. According to reports, ‘High Times’ magazine is considering going public with an IPO. Those interested will be able to buy either a quarter, an eighth or a half-eighth of the company.

15. Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has overtaken Bill Gates to become the richest person in the world, worth over $90 billion. “We’ll see about that,’ said Gates setting up a bunch of phony email addresses to get free trials of Amazon Prime.

16. This week, Patriot head coach Bill Belichick said there are “no limits” on tight-end Rob Gronkowski. Of course, other than anything that involves books.

17. According to Politico, President Trump and Attorney General Jeff Sessions are not longer on speaking terms. “But that implies they once were and, follow-up question, what was that like?” asked Eric Trump.

18. South Korean President Moon Jae-in on Wednesday welcomed a rescue dog to his official Blue House residence. It’s the first time a dog has come to the residence since the previous night when they ordered delivery food.

19. A swimming pool in Australia has put up signs targeted at migrants telling them not to grope women or enter the female changing room. “But that just applies to migrants, right?” said Trump backstage at a beauty pageant.

20. A rugby player in Australia, who forgot he had a three-week-old child after suffering a vicious tackle, is suing the opposing team for $1.4 million. And, in related news, President Trump is willing to pay $1.4 million for someone to recreate that hit on him:

21. Officials at a zoo in Tokyo are eliciting suggestions online for names for a newly born panda cub. Or, they could just cut out the middleman, and name it Panda McPandaface.

22. Authorities in Alabama arrested a man after he brought his daughter to a drug deal. Said the man, “I learned two valuable lessons today. Don’t bring a child to a drug deal. And my daughter has a street value of three and a half pounds of cocaine.”

23. A mom was arrested at a Queens casino for leaving her 10-year-old daughter inside their parked car for an hour and a half while she gambled. Although, in her defense, the last time she brought a kid into the casino, she lost her son on the river.

24. Ivanka Trump shared some photos of her daughter’s recent sixth birthday party, including an image of marshmallows on hot dogs. Alright, now she really is a fucking monster.

25. A six-week online program, taught in Russian, teaches students how to steal credit card data and hack PayPal accounts. Said recent graduate Donald Trump Jr., “Actually the course is mostly about adoptions.”

July 25, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Somalia’s al-Shabab extremist group called President Trump a “brainless billionaire” in a new video. In response, President Trump said, “Thank you for calling me a billionaire.”

2. In a new interview, President Trump said “I love balloons, okay? Like you have no idea how much I love balloons.” Well, there is an undeniable attraction between the two:

3. According to reports, President Trump is considering replacing Attorney General Jeff Sessions with former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani. Despite Chris Christie’s best efforts:

4. According to reports, President Trump is considering replacing Attorney General Jeff Sessions with former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani. Because apparently Trump thinks the job has a height requirement:

5. There is a 91-year-old airline mechanic who still works on planes at JFK Airport. Well, he doesn’t so much work on planes, as he looks over other mechanic’s shoulders while they’re working and says, “That’s not how Wilbur and Orville did it.”

6. The University of South Alabama’s football practice facility collapsed Saturday in Mobile, during construction. As opposed to the Atlanta Falcons, who usually wait until the fourth quarter to collapse.

7. According to a new study, a quarter of Americans think the sun goes around the Earth. Really, I would have guessed that number was a little higher:

8. 10. Over the weekend, Kellyanne Conway defended President Trump’s lies by saying, “He doesn’t think he’s lying.” Which is reminiscent of Johnny Cochran’s famous, ‘What is murder, anyway?’ defense.

9. New White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci said he wants Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders to continue to use the hair and make-up people she used on Friday, presumably because Scaramucci thought she looked good. “Maybe if you had said nice things like that about me I wouldn’t have quit,” said Sean Spicer.

10. A Florida sheriff’s deputy has been fired after authorities say he took partially naked photos of himself while on duty at the county courthouse. Even worse, from the look of the pictures, right before he snapped them, someone said “all rise.”

July 6, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to a new study, Americans spend four years of their lives daydreaming and escaping reality. Specifically, the next four years:

2. According to NBC News, President Trump has no agenda for his upcoming meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin. Said Trump, “We’re just gonna have a few glasses of wine and see where the night takes us.”

3. Mel Gibson will play Mark Wahlberg’s gruff and disappointed father in the upcoming film ‘Daddy’s Home 2.’ Gibson was able to stay in character and act disappointed by reminding himself that his son’s name ended in ‘berg.’

4. Tuesday, a mall in Oklahoma was flooded with a mysterious brown liquid, the cause of which remains unknown. “Now, let’s not rush to judgment here,” said the manager of the food court Chipotle.

5. Scientists say that sex robots will become extremely common in about a decade. “Sooner!” yelled Melania.

6. Famed astrophysicist Stephen Hawking recently said that he fears Donald Trump’s decision to pull out of the Paris climate change agreement could be the “tipping point” which wipes out humanity. And, now, for Trump’s response:

7. A restaurant has opened up in a treehouse in Alabama that sells nothing but hot dogs. That story again, the fanciest restaurant in Alabama has opened.

8. Actress Lindsay Lohan took to Twitter this week begging people to stop bullying President Trump and, instead, support him. Which means Newt Gingrich now has some competition for the title of Trump supporter with the biggest tits.

9. President Trump’s tweet of a doctored video showing him slamming a man whose face is obscured by a CNN logo has become Twitter’s most shared post ever. While Twitter’s least shared post ever remains:

10. A set of used golf clubs once owned by President Trump will be auctioned off online. An American History book owned by Trump is also up for sale, but that one’s not used.

June 27, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Over the weekend, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau marched in a gay pride parade while wearing socks commemorating the holy month of Ramadan. Thus combining three things Trump dislikes, supporting the LGBTQ community, honoring Muslims and walking.

2. A judge in Spain has ordered the exhumation of painter Salvador Dali’s body to settle a paternity suit. So, just to be safe, maybe we shouldn’t bury Kevin Federline once he dies.

3. A woman was taped feeding her pet raccoon on a New York City subway last week. “Are you crazy lady, I could have caught something,” said the raccoon looking around the 6-train.

4. Saturday night, Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin got married and Vice President Mike Pence officiated the wedding. Pence did such a good job that President Trump said he is considering using Pence for his next nuptials.

5. A female UFC fighter lost control of her bowels during a recent match. Sounds like someone should have put a rear chokehold on herself.

6. A man has set a new world record for farthest distance walked while balancing a power lawnmower on his chin. That story again, David Letterman inadvertently set a world record while shaving:

7. Actor Charlie Sheen is auctioning off Babe Ruth’s 1927 World Series ring. The ring comes with a letter of authenticity and a large bottle of Purell.

8. In a recent interview, President Trump said it is “very bothersome” that special counsel Robert Mueller is good friends with ousted FBI Director James Comey. You sure you want to go down this road, Mr. President?:

9. Actor Alec Baldwin said that he will be bringing back his Donald Trump impersonation to “Saturday Night Live” this fall. But, just to be safe, he’s also been working on a Pence.

10. ‘Food & Wine’ magazine announced that it will move its headquarters from New York to Alabama. So finally we’ll learn whether a red or white goes best with roadkill possum.

June 23, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. A third Alabama schoolteacher has been arrested for alleged sexual misconduct with a student. That’s crazy, who knew they even had three teachers in Alabama?

2. It was announced yesterday that a sitcom based on the life of Tom Arnold is in the works. The show will be called, “So Jim Belushi Said No.”

3. A California man has visited Disneyland for the past 2,000 days in a row. Said the man, “I know I can’t go within 200 feet of a school, but the judge didn’t say anything about amusement parks.”

4. A musical based on the life of Princess Diana is coming to Broadway. And I believe they already made a Broadway musical about Camilla Parker Bowles:

5. The heir to the luxury crystal brand Swarovski got married over the weekend in a dress encrusted with 500,000 jewels that weighed 100 pounds. The bride weighing an extra 100 pounds should prepare the groom for married life.

6. Researchers have found that older people who have sex more often increase their brain power. Yup, that checks out:

7. ‘Wheel of Fortune’ is under fire for using a photographic backdrop showing two African-Americans in slave-era clothing. But, in the show’s defense, it was a prize puzzle, and the prize was a trip to see a taping of Bill Maher.

8. According to reports, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have hired a surrogate to carry their third child. I assume because the fire marshall told Kim the amount of people allowed inside of her has reached maximum occupancy.

9. Britain’s Queen Elizabeth stirred up social media on Wednesday when she opened parliament in a hat looking very much like a European Union flag. Which really drew attention away from her “Who Farted?” t-shirt:

10. Korean scientists have developed glasses that allow the wearer to see sound. So far, seven people have gone blind listening to Kesha.

11. A Jerusalem court ruled on Wednesday that airline employees cannot ask women to change seats to spare a man from having to sit next to a woman. “Bummer,” said this guy:

12. According to a new study, fathers who get more involved in raising their children may be helping to lower their kids’ risk of obesity. That story again, Barron’s gonna be fat.

13. Today is take your dog to work day. Which is easily the most hectic day at the squirrel factory.

14. According to a new survey, 39% of office workers admitted to masturbating while at work. That story again, there’s a 39% chance that wasn’t White Out.

June 6, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. A giant scaffold bearing the image of British Prime Minister Theresa May appeared on the cliffs of Dover on Monday, complete with a Union Flag skirt and a rude hand gesture indicating to the rest of Europe that it should go away. “That gives me an idea,” said Trump:

2. Yesterday, embattled comedian Bill Cosby arrived for the first day of his sexual assault trial with Keshia Knight Pulliam, the actress who played Rudy on ‘The Cosby Show’ by his side. When asked why she chose to do that, Pulliam said, “Because it’s a lot safer than walking in front of him.”

3. The Utah Attorney General’s Office said that a man suing the state has no constitutional right to marry his laptop computer. Also, that’s not what a USB port is for.

4. To promote its product, a condom company is running an ad asking the question, what if Donald Trump had never been born. “You know, it’s not too late to go with Plan B,” said Mike Pence.

5. Peter Laviolette, the head coach of the NHL’s Nashville Predators, has asked fans to stop throwing catfish onto the ice to celebrate goals. “Well, there goes my business,” said this guy:

6. At least 10 incoming freshmen to Harvard University have had their admission revoked for sharing anti-Semitic and racist content in an exclusive Facebook chat. But, on the plus side, they’ve all been given free rides to the University of Alabama.

7. A prostitution ring in Japan lets customers eat curry rice off of naked women. That way the burning sensation you feel when eating will match the burning sensation you’ll get when peeing.

8. Actor Jeremy Piven is putting his Malibu home on the market for $10.5 million. Man, if those walls could talk, they’d probably say “bro” a lot.

9. According to a new study, people who attend religious services tend to live longer. Turns out, ironically, Jesus may have made it past thirty-three if only he had gone to church more.

10. On Monday, George Conway, the husband of White House adviser Kellyanne Conway, criticized President Trump’s tweets about the administration’s temporary travel ban, saying they were undercutting the Justice Department’s ability to defend his policies. Adding, “Even my crazy-ass wife is having a hard time spinning this shit.”

May 26, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Monday, Walmart banned a customer from shopping after she was caught on video hurling racial abuse at other customers at a store in Arkansas. But, it’s not all bad news for the woman, a Walmart in Alabama has hired her as a greeter.

2. A 25-year-old woman faces drug charges after police say she handed a detective a partially smoked “blunt” while getting out of a vehicle during a traffic stop. But, in her defense, she needed to get her license and registration and her other hand was busy holding her beer.

3. The service dog of a Virginia high school student got its own headshot in the yearbook. Which makes the fact that Mike Rositano was still voted “Most Likely to Lick Himself in Public” even more embarrassing.

4. According to reports, German Chancellor Angela Merkel showed President Trump a map of the old USSR as a warning about Vladimir Putin’s ambitions. Said Trump, “Does all that read mean they voted for me?”

5. Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg returned on Thursday to Harvard University to urge its graduating class to help create a new social safety net to allow creative risk-taking. And then, once the students create it, Zuckerberg will steal it, not cut the students in and take full credit for it.

6. A man was arrested early Thursday morning after he backed a tractor-trailer through the front doors of the Moonlite Bunny Ranch brothel. Because, as everyone knows, if you want to use the backdoor you have to negotiate that beforehand.

7. Paleontologists now believe that whales evolved to be so large as a defense mechanism against being eaten. Although, if they really wanted to avoid being eaten, they should have followed kale’s lead and evolved into tasting like shit.

8. According to a new study, the more pictures a couple posts of themselves on social media the less likely their relationship is to last. Especially if your wife finds the pictures.

9. Yesterday, Dr. Ben Carson said he thinks “poverty is a state of mind.” Pretty astonishing that the Director of Housing and Urban Development who is also a former brain surgeon somehow managed to craft a statement that is wrong about both housing and the brain.

10. Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross reportedly fell asleep in the middle of President Trump’s 36-minute speech in Saudi Arabia over the weekend. Although, isn’t the real story that a 79-year-old guy named ‘Wilbur’ was actually awake at some point?

11. According to a new study, fathers are more responsive and attentive to their young daughters than they are with their sons. Sometimes, a little too attentive:

12. While in Saudi Arabia, a five-story image of President Trump’s face was projected onto the side of the Ritz Carlton hotel. Hey, don’t give him any ideas, right now he’s just putting his name on things over here.

13. A man and two women were arrested for having a threesome on a restaurant’s deck alongside the Mississippi River in broad daylight. Or, as it is more commonly known around those parts, a family reunion.

14. Page Six reported that, according to an anonymous source, actress Scarlet Johanson and Weekend Update anchor Colin Jost were seen making out Saturday night at the wrap party after SNL’s season finale. Although, I’m betting the anonymous source was Jost himself, because who’s more anonymous than Colin Jost?

15. Just hours after winning pole for the Indianapolis 500 on Sunday, driver Scott Dixon was robbed at gunpoint by two men while at a Taco Bell drive-thru. Dixon tried to drive away, but he kept making left turns and winding up at the same spot.

16. A Florida woman is accused of leaving her 1-year-old son in a drug den after she went there to purchase meth. But, in the woman’s defense, she didn’t have any money, really wanted that meth and the kid had a street value of $87.

17. Huma Abedin has filed for divorce from husband and former Congressman Anthony Weiner. Weiner was reportedly whatever the opposite of ‘blinded-sided’ is.

18. A man in China was rushed to the hospital after he put an eel in his butt in an attempt to cure his constipation problems. It worked, it didn’t cure his constipation, but now he’s got bigger problems.

May 5, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Today, Vice President Mike Pence will host a Cinco de Mayo celebration at the White House. The only way picking Pence for that job makes sense is if they thought ‘Mayo’ was short for mayonnaise.

2. According to reports, the first call President Trump made after the House repealed Obamacare yesterday was to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell to tell him the “ball’s in your court now.” And, from the look of him, in his neck as well:

3. According to sources, while meeting with religious leaders at the White House yesterday, President Trump held up a copy of ‘the New York Times’ and bragged about all the good coverage his daughter Ivanka was getting. He also bragged about his son Eric by holding up his most recent finger-painting.

4. According to sources, while meeting with religious leaders at the White House yesterday, President Trump held up copy of ‘the New York Times’ and bragged about all the good coverage his daughter Ivanka was getting. “Jesus Christ,” said everyone in the room.

5. Yesterday, President Trump returned to New York City for the first time since taking office. A lot has changed since the last time he was there including the color of the leaves on the trees and the locks on the door to the apartment he shares with Melania.

6. Florida authorities have charged a woman with prostitution after she agreed to perform a sex act on an undercover detective for $25 and Chicken McNuggets. Or, as Charlie Sheen calls it, a dinner date.

7. It was announced this week that Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski, co-hosts of MSNBC’s ‘Morning Joe,’ are engaged. So, you’re move Matt Lauer and Al Roker.

8. An Egyptian woman, believed to be the world’s heaviest woman, left an Indian hospital on Thursday more than 600 pounds lighter. Although, technically, she didn’t leave the building, they found it easier to leave her in one place and move the hospital.

9. Twitter has reached an agreement to stream live WNBA games next season. Thus providing sports fans a new way to completely ignore women’s basketball.

10. According to ‘the Washington Post,’ President Trump has mentioned the election results on 68 of the 176 days since the election. Presumably because the other 108 days he was too busy golfing.

11. A Queens man is memorializing his lifelong friend, a plumber, by flushing his cremated remains into the pipes of baseball stadiums across the country. Here’s a picture of the guy:

12. A Queens man is memorializing his lifelong friend, a plumber, by flushing his cremated remains down the toilets of baseball stadiums across the country. Or, more likely, a dead plumber thought he had a better friend.

13. On Tuesday, Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro called for a rewrite of the country’s Constitution which he said would quell protests. “A president can do that?” asked Trump.

14. A woman in Florida was arrested for assaulting a man who refused to stop playing a xylophone. “Fuck,” said the officer who had to write up that police report.

15. On Monday, Secretary of Commerce, Wilbur Ross, referred to President Trump ordering the Syrian missile strike while eating at Mar-a-Lago as “after dinner entertainment.” Which is why I wanted Chris Christie to be president, because there’s never any after dinner entertainment when you can’t figure out when one meal ends and the next begins.

16. According to a White House official, Ivanka Trump will review some executive orders before her father signs them. And, in future news, President Trump has declared war on Nordstroms.

17. White House budget director Mick Mulvaney accused Democrats on Tuesday of trying to make President Trump look bad and added that a government shutdown fight be inevitable if they do not act better. Adding, “I swear to God I’ll turn this car around!”

18. Over the weekend, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was spotted at a highway rest-stop waiting in line at a Cinnabon. So, my apologies to the people behind Christie in line who never even had a chance at getting a cinnamon bun.

19. Researchers have discovered the some female dragonflies pretend to be dead to avoid male dragonflies. “Trust me, I’ve tried,” said Melania.

20. In a recent interview, President Trump said he is both “a nationalist and a globalist.” I guess I never really looked at those hats close enough:

21. According to reports, President Trump reversed his position on NAFTA after his Secretaries of Commerce and Agriculture showed him a map of the U.S. and pointed out the areas that would be affected. Said Trump, “There’s a north Dakota, too!?!”

22. An Alabama woman claims she choked on a condom in her French toast at a local IHOP. Even worse, the condom was sticky, and she hadn’t even poured the syrup on yet.


23. Molly, a Jack Russell terrier, has undergone gender reassignment in a rare operation after vets discovered she was a hermaphrodite. As a result, Molly has no idea which fire hydrant to use in North Carolina.

24. The EPA removed most climate change information from its website Friday, saying in a press release that language on the website is being updated to “reflect the approach of new leadership.” Begging the question, can a website just be a fart noise.

25. Last week, a New York man in need of brake lines crashed his car into an auto parts store. As a result, there are only two Pep Boys now.

May 1, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. President Trump interrupted a recent interview with Reuters to hand out printed maps of the U.S. detailing his electoral college victory. I assume, because the painters are still working on the Oval Office mural:

2. Representative Jason Chaffetz said he will be absent from Congress as he recovers from foot surgery after falling off a ladder last week. He needed to get the surgery quickly, because under Trump’s new healthcare plan, owning the ladder is considered a pre-existing condition.

3. An Alabama woman claims she choked on a condom in her French toast at a local International House of Pancakes. Said fellow customer Paris Hilton, “I’ll have, what she’s having.”

4. A Dutch physical therapist turned inventor has developed a tailor-made pillow that he claims will solve any sleeping problems at a price of $57,000. And, you’re gonna need all the help you can get to fall asleep after you spend $57,000 on a fucking pillow.

5. Over the weekend, a couple got married at the Spam Museum in Minnesota. I’m assuming, because the Waldorf was all booked.

6. Molly, a Jack Russell terrier from Ireland, has undergone gender reassignment surgery after vets discovered she was a hermaphrodite. Marking the first time any dog owner has genuinely asked, “Who’s a good boy?”

7. Over the weekend, President Trump claimed to have invented the phrase ‘fake news.’ And if necessity truly is the mother of invention, technically he’s right.

8. A recent defector from North Korea says that being gay is completely unheard of in that country. Which explains why there are no good hairdressers there:

9. Pickle juice soda is now a thing. And it’s still only the second worst idea the Pepsi marketing department has ever had.

10. According to reports, during a recent meeting, German Chancellor Angela Merkel was forced to explain to President Trump eleven times how trade works with European countries. Trump was reportedly very interested in Europe’s exchange policy:

January 6, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Yesterday, it was reported that the backyard swing set bought for the President Obama’s daughters in 2009 has been removed from the White House lawn and donated to charity. But, don’t worry, Joe Biden’s treehouse still remains:

2. Scientists have found that the brain reshapes itself for years after adolescence, which raises the question of when an adult is fully mature in the eyes of the law. According to every action and statement made by our President-elect, I’m gonna guess sometime after 70.

3. President-elect Donald Trump said last week he intends to dissolve his charitable foundation, the Donald J. Trump Foundation, before taking office. So now, in the future, the term ‘Trump foundation’ will solely refer to the base level of a very bad spray tan.

4. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump wants to write his inauguration speech himself. “Speaking from experience, you might want to reconsider that,” said Melania.
 
5. By using a technique that cannot be applied to humans, scientists were able to rejuvenate the organs of mice and lengthen their life span by thirty percent. You can read more about the study in this week’s Medical Journal of Thanks for Nothing, Scientists.

6. A grieving man in China made a sex doll that is an exact replica of his dead wife, even dressing the doll in his late wife’s underwear. So, I’m guessing the cause death was suicide.

7. Last week, Michael Jackson’s daughter Paris shared a photo on Instagram of her giving her godfather Macaulay Culkin a pedicure. And I imagine if her father was around to see her touching Culkin’s feet he would say “No, higher.”

8. Over the holidays, a judge in Britain ruled that dogs should not be treated like children. “Oh, thank god,” said Casey Anthony’s schnauzer.

9. The mayor of Mobile, Alabama apologized for cutting down a tree in a public park in order to hold a Donald Trump rally. “How dare you, cutting down trees is my job now,” said Trump’s pick to head the EPA.

10. According to a new study, women do not find men with tattoos more sexually attractive. And you could see the disappointment associated with these results written all over Mike Tyson’s face.

11. Last week, a couple in Texas decided to get married after 41 years of dating. The man reportedly got down on one knee and said, “I guess.”

12. A 22-year-old Florida man, living with his parents, was arrested after police say home surveillance video caught him having sex with the family dog. Said his father, “Well that explains why we’re always out of peanut butter.”

13. A 22-year-old Florida man, living with his parents, was arrested after police say home surveillance video caught him having sex with the family dog. Although, I’m pretty sure, at this point, that’s his dog.

14. Liberty University President Jerry Falwell Jr. said watching President-elect Donald Trump assemble his cabinet has been like watching the 1992 United States men’s Olympic Dream Team being built. Which sadly means only one member of the Trump’s cabinet has AIDs.

15. Liberty University President Jerry Falwell Jr. said watching President-elect Donald Trump assemble his cabinet has been like watching the 1992 United States men’s Olympic basketball team being built. I guess I could see that if the Dream Team were twelve Christian Laettners.

16. Last week, 27-year-old singer Taylor Swift paid a World War II veteran who is a fan a surprised visit on his 96th birthday. And, in the complete opposite of that story, Madonna surprised a 27-year-old fan on her birthday.

17. Forbes named Scarlett Johansson Hollywood’s the top-grossing actor of 2016, starring in movies that grossed $1.2 billion worldwide. And, at the bottom of the list is Drew Barrymore who somehow owes Hollywood $4.6 million.

18. Last week, a federal court in Michigan, ruled that police can shoot a dog while entering a home if the animal “moves or barks” in the officer’s presence. And, just like that, Michael Vick has found his next career.

19. Robert Leo Hulseman, the inventor of the iconic red plastic Solo cup, widely used to play beer pong, died last week at the age of 84. He is survived by whoever called ‘next.’

20. According to a new survey, younger siblings generally have a lower IQ than their older brothers and sisters. Scientists refer to it as the Stephen Baldwin effect.

21. NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. wed his longtime girlfriend Saturday, with fellow driver Danica Patrick reportedly catching the bouquet. So, for once, being well behind the pack, actually paid of for Danica.

22. A organization in favor of legalizing marijuana will be giving out free joints to protestors on Inauguration Day. So when they chant “What do we want?” and “When do we want it?” they will be sincerely asking because they don’t remember.

23. The 115th Congress was sworn in on Tuesday and not one of the 535 members of the House or Senate is a proclaimed atheist. Although, after four years of Trump, I’m willing to bet a few of them will no longer believe in God.

24. A new study found that eating large amounts of cured meats was linked to asthma. And, in a related story, Chris Christie hasn’t been able to catch his breath since 1987.

25. According to new reports, more pregnant women are turning to marijuana to deal with nausea and morning sickness. Which explains the new pregnancy mantra of “Push, Push, Pass.”