May 20, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. A 1986 “Rabbit” sculpture by artist Jeff Koons sold for $91.1 million  on Wednesday. It’s the most money someone’s paid for a bunny since:

2. Kris and Kourtney Kardashian took a break from shooting their reality show to unveil wax figures of themselves at Madame Tussaud’s on Thursday. Luckily Rob Kardashian didn’t have to take a break as he happened to be working that shift at Madame Tussaud’s. 

3. This week, Mr. Ratburn from the children’s show “Arthur” came out as gay and got married to another man in the show’s 22nd season premiere. So your move Squidward:

4. This week, the children’s cartoon “Arthur” gained attention yesterday for airing an episode featuring a character’s gay wedding. So if you thought Bert was mad a Ernie for dragging his feet before.

5. Actor Bruce Willis was booed by an entire baseball stadium Wednesday when he bounced the ceremonial first pitch before a Phillies game. Willis hasn’t disappointed a crowd of that size since “The Return of Bruno”:

6. According to a new study, British people get drunk more than any other nationality. Which makes sense, because if you were British you would try to forget that you’re responsible for Piers Morgan too.

7. On Thursday President Trump revealed a plan for a new merit-based immigration system. And there is no question in my mind how he thinks that will work:

8. According to a new study, penis extension surgery doesn’t work. And just like that, Porsche salesmen everywhere rest easy.

9. Lions Gates Entertainment offered to sell cable channel Starz to CBS Corp for $5.5 billion. Man, at $29.99 per month, I thought I overpaid for Starz.

10.  Actress Felicity Huffman tearfully pleaded guilty in a federal court on Monday to paying to rig a college entrance exam for her daughter. The judge said he knew her tears were heartfelt because she saw ‘Georgia Rule’ and know she’s not that good of an actress.

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