September 7, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Monica Lewinsky cut shot a live interview during a conference in Jerusalem Monday night after being asked an “off limits” question about former President Bill Clinton. That seems so out of character, she usually lets people finish:

2. A 95-year-old British man broke his own record on Saturday as the world’s oldest scuba diver. After breaking the record, he emerged from the water, unconnected his oxygen tank, removed his wetsuit, and then reconnected his oxygen tank.

3. According to a new study, smartphone apps that remind heart patients to take their pills could help them stick to prescribed regimens. Because if there’s one thing that people with bad hearts need, it’s random alarms going off at unexpected times.

4. A pair of stolen ruby slippers from “The Wizard of Oz” have been recovered in Minneapolis. Although I doubt they are the real ruby slippers because, if they were, they would have clicked themselves together a long time ago and gotten the fuck outta Minneapolis

5. Roy Moore, the former Alabama Senate candidate, on Wednesday filed a $95 million defamation lawsuit against Sacha Baron Cohen, claiming he was duped into appearing on the British comedian’s Showtime series. “I don’t like the sound of that,” said Cohen of the $95 million suit and Moore of Cohen’s last name. 

6. Last week, the White House announced that President Trump will skip summits with Asian leaders in in November, but send Vice President Mike Pence in his place. Said Trump, “It’s great when Pence goes to things I don’t want to. By any chance is he available on Eric’s birthday?”

7. The bishop who officiated Aretha Franklin’s funeral has apologized for being “too familiar” when he embraced singer Ariana Grande after her tribute to the Queen of Soul. Those in attendance called it “uncalled for” while the Catholic Church called it “an improvement”:

8. In a recent interview, former Secretary of State John Kerry said he wouldn’t rule out a presidential run in 2010. “Of course not, that’s our job,” said voters.

9. Watergate journalist Bob Woodward will release a new book Tuesday detailing life within the Trump administration entitled “Fear: Trump in the White House.” It is expected to sell much better than his previous book on the president “Rear: Trump in the White Blouse”:

10. Eight hundred pounds of lemons were recently stolen in Southern California. Look, I don’t want to tell the cops how to do their job, but maybe ask Lucy here how she’s able to sell lemonade so cheap:

11. In a new interview, President Trump claims that Special Counsel Robert Mueller is former FBI Director James Comey’s best friend adding, “I could get you 100 pictures of him and Comey hugging and kissing each other.” “I guess that makes me the President’s best friend,” said Stormy Daniels.

12. Police executed a warrant Thursday morning to search through the home of the couple who raised $400,000 for a homeless Philadelphia man. “Who’s the dumb one for having a home now,” said the homeless man.

13. Philadelphia 76ers Joel Embiid recently revealed that he learned how to play basketball by watching YouTube videos of people shooting hoops. And, by the look of it, I’m guessing the Knicks learned by watching videos of the Washington Generals.

14. On Wednesday, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh declined to weigh in on whether a sitting president can pardon himself. Trump definitely has to be sitting when he ‘pardons himself’ because there’s no way he can see his own dick while he stands.

15. According to reports, in journalist Bob Woodward’s new book about the Trump administration, Chief of Staff John Kelly is quoted as saying, “I don’t know why any of us are here. This is the wort job I’ve ever had.” Keep in mind, this is a guy whose previous job was getting shelled by infidels in Afghanistan, saying working in this White House is the worst job he’s ever had.

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