August 17, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, 933 people in California set a Guinness World Record for the most people making slime. While Steve Bannon still holds the record for most slime made by one person:

2. According to new research, after sex, men can sometimes experience a myriad of confusing negative feelings, a phenomenon called post-coital dysphoria. Or, as it’s more commonly known, a case of the “I should get goings.”

3. This week Vice President Mike Pence appeared in Iowa to give a speech on taxes. The speech got off to a rough start when no one could figure which one of them was Mike Pence:

4. According to sources, Donald Trump Jr.’s girlfriend, former Fox News host Kimberly Guilfoyle, refers to him as “Junior Mint.” And, for obvious reasons, she refers to Eric as “Baby Ruth”:

5. During a speech on Wednesday, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo said America “was never that great.” Spoken like a man who has been to Jersey.

6. Doctors in the U.K. found a contact lens in a woman’s eye that had been embedded there for over twenty-eight years. Said the woman, “Can you do anything about the tampon I lost thirty years ago?”

7. In her new book, former White House aide Omarosa Manigault Newman claims she saw President Trump eat a piece of paper after meeting with his personal lawyer. Begging the question, can you eat a tape?:

8. President Trump’s campaign has filed suit against former White House aide Omarosa Manigault Newman for allegedly violating a nondisclosure agreement. “Whahhh, nom-dusclusore agrumen?” asked Omarosa:

9. John Lennon’s son, Sean Lennon posted a selfie on Monday with Paul McCartney’s son, James McCartney. They tried to post a second selfie, but Yoko Ono’s daughter showed up and stopped it.

10. Former NBA All Star Kobe Bryant’s six million dollar investment in sports drink company BodyArmor is now reportedly worth two-hundred million dollars. “Wait, are your investments supposed to go up in value?” said the owner of the New York Knicks.

11. On Wednesday, Corey Lewandowski, President Trump’s former campaign manager, appeared on multiple TV outlets to tout the benefits of T-Mobile’s bid to acquire Sprint. It’s all part of Sprint’s plan to have a spokesperson more hated than the “Can You Hear Me Now” guy.

12. According to a new study, state laws designed to increase teen vaccination against HPV don’t appear to influence adolescents’ choices about whether to become sexually active. That study again, teenage boys still horny.

13. Magician and former “Celebrity Apprentice” contestant Penn Jillette recently claimed he heard President Trump make racially insensitive comments while on set, including the n-word. Even worse, that’s the only word that Teller says:

14. According to newly released statistics, President Trump has spent a quarter of his presidency at a Trump-branded golf resort. Even more concerning, Trump has spent the other 75% at the White House.

15. Florida Senator Bill Nelson told the Tampa Bay Times on Wednesday that Russian operatives have penetrated some of Florida’s election systems and could delete registered voters ahead of the November elections. Also deleting Florida voters from the rolls ahead of the election, this guy:

16. Director Spike Lee says he wants President Trump to see his new movie “BlacKkKlansman.” Said Trump, “You had me at ‘Klansman’ and lost me at ‘Black.’”

17. Last Friday night, President Trump had dinner with Apple CEO Tim Cook. The get-together marks the first time Trump has ever had a meal that involved any kind of fruit.

18. A chain of Detroit area gas stations is facing a lawsuit claiming they have been selling men’s Viagra without a prescription and telling them the drug is an all-natural male enhancement pill. Giving new meaning to the phrase “Fill her up.”

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