July 13, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Monday night, President Trump announced his new Supreme Court nomination by breaking into NBC’s coverage of ‘American Ninja Warrior’ and ABC’s ‘The Bachelorette.” That story again, Trump announced his Supreme Court pick by doing two things that he loves, preventing people from climbing over a wall and interrupting a woman mid-sentence.

2. This week, New York City announced a massive initiative to fix the lead paint problem in the city’s public housing, which can have detrimental health effects on children. And, I’m beginning to think being exposed to gold paint as a kid isn’t great either:

3. On Tuesday, all twelve members of the boy’s soccer team were rescued from the Thai cave they had been trapped in for over two weeks. Unfortunately, the ensuing celebration was ruined because Troy’s mom forgot to bring the orange slices.

4. According to Forbes, Kylie Jenner is on track to become the youngest self-made billionaire in the United States due to the cosmetics company she launched two years ago. That story again, I wonder what bleach tastes like.

5. ‘The Washington Post’ reported that White House advisor Stephen Miller threw out $80-worth of sushi after a bartender flipped him off and swore and him. What a cold, slimy waste, also throwing out the sushi was bad.

6. Last week, actor Zac Efron posted an almost unrecognizable picture of himself on Instagram sporting dreadlocks. Efron said he would rather people think mistake him for a homeless hippy than the guy who starred in ‘Dirty Grandpa’:

7. New York Giant A.J. Francis revealed on Twitter that the TSA spilled the ashes of his dead mother in his luggage. Even worse, she was alive when they boarded the plane

8. According to reports, singer Justin Bieber and model Hailey Baldwin, actor Stephen Baldwin’s daughter, got engaged over the weekend. So congratulations to Stephen for no longer being the worst person in that family.

9. On Saturday, Russian President Vladimir Putin said he was “proud” of the national soccer team despite Russia’s loss to Croatia in the World Cup. Putin said every member of the team will be given a hero’s funeral… next week.

10. Russia’s elimination from the soccer World Cup on Saturday poses a challenge for the Kremlin: How to manage public anger over reforms that will hit voters’ pockets without the distraction of national sporting success. Said Trump, “Has Putin considered sleeping with a porn star?”

11. President Trump’s former personal driver of more than 20 years has filed a lawsuit against the Trump Organization alleging that he was forced to work “thousands of hours” of overtime without fair compensation. Begging the question, what’s ‘fair compensation’ for being stuck in a car with Donald Trump for 10 hours a day? The Hope Diamond?

12. According to reports, last week Secretary of State Mike Pompeo took a CD of Elton John’s ‘Rocket Man’ signed by President Trump with him to North Korea to give to Kim Jong Un. Not to be outdone, Trump also made a mixtape for Putin:

13. On Tuesday, Microsoft unveiled the Surface Go to compete with the iPad. “That’s a great idea,” said the one guy still using a Zune:

14. Pfizer said on Tuesday it will not raise drug prices after the company’s chief executive officer had an extensive conversation with President Trump. That story again, President Trump rambled on for two hours about his electoral college victory until the Pfizer CEO just gave in.

15. A Chinese company is selling a robot for $5,000 that applauds for you endlessly. It is called the Kevin Eubanks 5000:

16. John Schnatter, the founder and public face of Papa John’s pizza, apologized Wednesday for using the N-word on a conference call in May. Even crazier, he used the word to refer to Peyton Manning.

17. Israeli management software Monday.com said on Wednesday it raised $50 million in a new round of funding. Even crazier, their biggest investor is now Garfield.

18. The Los Angeles Lakers’ president Magic Johnson sat in a car for an hour outside LeBron James’ California home on the night before the NBA’s free agency period opened. Not to be outdone, so did Dennis Rodman, but that’s because he lives in his car.

19. On Wednesday, a 46-year-old homeless man with no arms was arrested in Miami Beach, Florida for stabbing another man with a pair of scissors using his feet. So I guess it’s official, everyone has World Cup fever.

20. According to reports, new White House Communications Director Bill Shine has changed the lighting to make President Trump look younger. And I have to admit, he looks great:
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