1. Last week, Attorney General Jeff Sessions cited a Bible verse to justify his policy of separating immigrant families. I have an idea, let’s tell Sessions that Church and State are from Mexico and maybe he’ll be in favor of their separation, too.
2. The New York State Assembly is considering a bill that will legalize alcoholic ice cream. That story again, apparently someone dumped the New York State Assembly.
3. A Turkish court accepted an indictment charging the father of New York Knicks center Enes Kanter with “membership in a terror group.” It’s terrible that he’s being so publicly lumped in with such a bad crowd, also that bad news about Kanter’s father too.
4. On Tuesday, President Trump tweeted out “If you don’t have Borders, you don’t have a Country.” Because if there’s one thing this guy knows about it, it’s setting boundaries:
5. After delivering a speech to a group of business owners on Tuesday, President Donald Trump hugged an American flag as he walked off stage. That story again, Michael Avenatti has a new client:
6. According to a new study, cases of syphilis reported in England have reached the highest level since 1949. “You’re welcomed,” said Collin Farrell.
7. The U.S Golf Association has issued an apology after last weekend’s broadcast of the U.S. Open picked up audio from two guys graphically describing a sexual encounter. But, that’ll happen when you make Billy Bush your caddy:
8. A Scottish man has created a donut, chicken nugget hybrid that he is calling the donug. Which means Trump’s second hand will finally be freed up to go back to tweeting:
9. Chicago Cubs pitcher Brandon Morrow was scratched from Tuesday’s game against the Dodgers because he injured his back while taking off his pants. “I know you’re excited, but the key is take them off one leg at a time,” said Morrow’s new life coach:
10. On Tuesday, President Trump accused Canada of smuggling American sneakers across the border. Which explains Jeff Session’s new immigration policy of dressing Mexican immigrants up like Nikes and busing them to Albany:
11. A hat said to been worn by Napoleon Bonaparte at Waterloo 203 years ago was sold at auction for over $400,000. “That’s a great deal, my hat cost much more than that and it’s damaged,” said the guy who bought Lincoln’s hat:
12. A Russian soccer commentator said he will no longer do World Cup matches for Russia’s biggest state-run broadcaster, four days after naming President Vladimir Putin’s biggest critic live on air. The announcer said he is retiring to spend more time with his family, once he finds out where Putin has hidden them.
13. Burger King Russia has apologized for offering a lifetime supply of Whoppers to any Russian woman who could get pregnant with the child of a World Cup player. Wow, that really is a poorly conceived promotion, if you’re asking a woman to get pregnant you definitely give away Whopper Jrs.
14. According to reports, during a tense meeting with German Chancellor Angela Merkel at the G7, President Trump reached into his pocket, pulled out two Starbursts, tossed them at Merkel and said, “Don’t say I never give you anything.” Which can only mean one thing, Trump definitely had more than two Starbursts in his pocket.
15. First Lady Melania Trump’s visit on Thursday to the Mexican border was overshadowed by a jacket she wore with the words “I really don’t care, do u?” scrawled on the back. Not to be outdone, Trump has writing on the back of all his jackets too:
16. A 3-year-old girl is safe after spending the night in a rural Missouri cornfield, with her faithful dog by her side. Said the girl, “I wouldn’t have made it without Rover, he was delicious.”
17. Phil Mickelson hit a moving ball on the 13th green during the third round of golf’s U.S. Open on Saturday. “He hit a moving ball? That’s impossible.” said every single Miami Marlin.
18. In a new interview former White House aid Steve Bannon claims that president Trump has “never told a lie.” Adding, “In fact, just the other day he told me I was very handsome and a sharp dresser”:
19. It was announced this week that Robert Patterson, the acting administrator of the Drug Enforcement Administration, will retire at the end of the month. Patterson said he wants to spend more time at home narcing on his family.
20. According to a new study, people who are married may be less likely to die from a heart attack or stroke than individuals who aren’t. “That’s a real chicken or the egg type problem for me,” said Melania.