February 16, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. A boy in Florida had be rescued last week after he crawled into a claw arcade game and became trapped. Authorities became aware of the situation upon hearing Jerry Sandusky yell, “Quick! Does anyone have change for a dollar!”

2. The U.S. Justice Department’s third-ranking official, Rachel Brand, will resign and take a senior job at Walmart. Brand is the second Trump administration staffer to leave the White House for a job at Walmart:

3. On Friday, both President Trump and injured Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz spoke at the annual National Prayer Breakfast. Said Trump to Wentz, “Just to prepare myself, what’s it like when your replacement does a much better job than you?”

4. Erotic thriller “Fifty Shades Freed” and children’s movie “Peter Rabbit” finished 1 and 2 at the box office over the weekend. “Jackpot,” said this movie-goer:

5. According to a new study, the toys children play with can influence the skills they learn and what they grow up to become. And, in related news, these are the toys Don Jr. and Eric played with as kids:

6. One of the favorites to win the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show didn’t show up in the ring when the German shepherd breeds competition started early Monday morning. Not surprisingly, the New York Post caught Puddles partying with Diddy and Bieber at 1 Oak late Sunday night:

7. This week, advisor to Donald Trump, Kellyanne Conway defended the President’s treatment of women, says he has “many times come to the aid of women privately.” In some cases even going as far as to grab them by their privatelys.

8. Donald Trump Jr.’s wife, Vanessa Trump, was taken to the hospital Monday after receiving a letter containing white powder that was later deemed to be non-hazardous. Which is good, but I wasn’t too worried, because a woman who has been exposed to that much Don Jr. in her life must have built up a pretty strong tolerance to toxic substances.

9. Donald Trump Jr.’s wife, Vanessa Trump, was taken to the hospital Monday after receiving a letter containing traces of white powder that was later deemed to be non-hazardous. Not to be confused with letters she receives from her father-in-law which contain traces of white power.

10. President Donald Trump said on Wednesday he is completely opposed to domestic violence. Especially after Melania found out about Stormy:

11. According to a new study, kidney stones are on the rise in the United States. But I’m pretty sure that’s not the reason it hurts when this guy pees:

12. An Oregon woman has become the first person worldwide known to have had an eye infestation by a tiny worm species previously seen only in cattle that is spread by flies that feed on eyeball lubrication. You can read more about it in this months Medical Journal of Please Don’t Let There Be Pictures of This.

13. Over the weekend, President Trump said a classified memo by congressional Democrats related to investigations of Russian influence in the 2016 presidential election is “very political and long” and must be “heavily redacted” before it can be released. Even worse, now Trump knows about redactions:

14. Over the weekend, President Trump said a classified memo by congressional Democrats related to investigations of Russian influence in the 2016 presidential election is “very political” and must be “heavily redacted” before it can be released. Trump’s other demands before the memo can be released: add a few pictures, a couple of pop-ups and throw Waldo in there a few times.

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