1. A woman in Florida claims an airline told her to flush her hamster down a toilet at the airport because the emotional support pet wasn’t allowed to fly with her. “Or, hear me out, you could go with plan B,” said Richard Gere.
2. On Tuesday, entrepreneur Elon Mush launched a Tesla roadster into outer space. A car hasn’t been that far away from a road since the last time Billy Joel got behind a wheel.
3. According to reports, President Trump wants to stage a military parade outside of the White House later this year. The last time a group of people marched on the White House bearing weapons, they were coming for Eric:
4. A new survey found that the average New York City resident has sex 26.6 times a year. Thus, marking the first time Melania is happy that she now lives in D.C.
6. According to a new report, nearly $2 of every $10 the Trump campaign spent last year went towards legal fees. Presumably because a Big Mac costs $7.99.
7. Last week a man in Oregon pled guilty to reporting his father and brother as terrorists because they got an invitation to a family wedding and he didn’t. But, if you ask me, the real terrorists are the bride and the groom who made it a destination wedding.
12. An Illinois high school math teacher has come under fire for giving her students a homework assignment that mentioned cocaine and getting high. Said the teacher, “It was a mix-up, but, on the plus side, my drug dealer is really good at long division now.”
13. A student in Texas is facing disciplinary action after he called for a stripper to perform at his middle school and used his father’s credit card to pay for it. The student and stripper serve as a good reminder of what can happen if your dad doesn’t pay more attention to you.
14. A student in Texas is facing disciplinary action after he called for a stripper to perform at his middle school and used his parent’s credit card to pay for it. It’s the first stripper to visit that middle school since Becky’s mom participated in career day.
15. A student in Texas is facing disciplinary action after he called for a stripper to perform at his middle school and used his parent’s credit card to pay for it. Said the kid’s angry father, “How many times have I told you, never pay a stripper with a credit card!”