September 15, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. In her new book, Hillary Clinton said being at President Donald Trump’s inauguration was “an out-of-body experience.” As well as a no-body experience:

2. A man in the U.K. has been charged with a hate crime for teaching his dog to imitate Adolf Hitler by giving the Nazi salute. Uh-oh, I hope it’s not a crime to teach my dog to imitate Steve Bannon:

3. Maurice Bluestein, the man who invented the wind chill index, has died at the age of 76. But it really feels more like 72.

4. In a recent interview, former White House strategist Steve Bannon called President Trump’s firing of James Comey the biggest mistake in “modern political history.” Really? Pretty sure I can think of a bigger one:

5. Four members of a Polish death metal band were arrested over the weekend for allegedly kidnapping a woman who attended one of their concerts last month. Said the woman, “If I wanted the experience of being held against my will, I would have gone to a Nickelback concert.”

6. A man was arrested last weekend for masturbating at the finish line of the New Jersey half-marathon. “You only had one guy masturbating along the race route, what’s you secret?” asked the New York City marathon.

7. In a recent interview, host and comedian Steve Harvey revealed that he sends a television for Christmas every year to a teacher who told him he would never be on T.V. Upon watching Harvey’s day-time talk show, the teacher changed her mind and said “he should never be on T.V.”

8. The television ratings for the Cowboys 19-3 Sunday night win over the Giants was delayed because Nielsen evacuated its ratings staff in Florida ahead of Hurricane Irma. No word on whether the Giant’s offense evacuated with them.

9. Singer-songwriter Kid Rock said on Monday that calls by “the extreme left” and civil rights groups for his removal as the first headliner for a new arena in Detroit were politically motivated. Or maybe, just maybe, they’ve heard your music.

10. This week, conspiracist and all-around nut job Alex Jones claimed that the Deep State is drugging President Trump’s iced tea. I’m not sure Melania is considered ‘the Deep State,’ but arsenic is definitely a drug.

11. According to reports, President Trump was delighted by his official photo, telling aides he looked “like Churchill.” And, I assume he means present-day Churchill.

12. A gynecologist in Utah is being sued for allegedly failing to remove a piece of gauze from a woman’s vagina after surgery. Said the doctor, “Shot in the dark, but I also lost my watch.”

13. On Tuesday, Hillary Clinton was over an hour late to a scheduled book signing at a Barnes & Noble in Manhattan. But, in her defense, she got a little held up at her previous appointment in the city:

14. Late Monday night, the Twitter account of Texas Senator Ted Cruz liked a pornographic video showing a mother spying on her daughter having sex. And I gotta admit, if you had told me the Twitter account of a high-ranking political would like a video featuring a parent spying on their daughter having sex, Cruz wouldn’t have been my first guess.

15. Former White House press secretary Anthony Scaramucci will take over the website TMZ on Monday. And Scaramucci does have ample experience, not with celebrity gossip, but with holding down job for less than 24 hours.

16. An Arkansas woman has pled guilty to fraud after admitting to using public funds to buy a dog a tuxedo. So stupid, that dog is only gonna have one maybe two occasions a year where he can wear a tuxedo, everyone knows, you always rent.

17. Australian comedian Rebel Wilson won $3.7 million in damages on Wednesday after a global magazine publisher was found to have defamed her in a string of articles. “Does ‘articles’ include movie reviews?” said Johnny Depp.

18. President Trump said on Wednesday that under his tax reform plan, wealthy American might have to pay higher taxes. Which may not be a lie, because paying just one dollar in taxes would be an increase for him.

19. Former U.S. congressman Anthony Weiner has asked a judge not to sentence him to prison after he admitted to sending sexually explicit messages to a teenage girl. Said Weiner, “Those prisons have terrible WiFi.”

20. According to a new study, listening to happy music can spark creativity and improve problem solving. Although, I’ve found listening to Justin Bieber’s music also improves my problem solving, for instance, I hit the off button to solve the problem of hearing shitty music.

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