August 11, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. The Commerce Department announced a decision Tuesday to charge a tariff on aluminum foil imported from China. No word on what President Trump will make his hat out of now:

2. Yesterday, President Trump said his threat to bring “fire and fury” if North Korea continued to threaten the United States maybe “wasn’t tough enough.” As a result, Trump has upped his statement saying he will also bring “Laser and Gemini”:

3. On Wednesday, North Korea said President Trump cannot be reasoned with because he is “bereft of reason.” “I agree, but you can’t just talk about how terrible Trump is and expect to win, trust me, I know,” said Hillary.

4. French President Emmanuel Macron has backed away from officially recognizing the role of the first lady after nearly 300,000 people signed a petition against the move. And, since this is France, I assume the result is due to the country’s very strong mistress lobby.

5. On Thursday, former Donald Trump adviser Jason Miller announced that he and his wife of seven years are excited to welcome his new baby, who Miller fathered with a different woman, into the world. And the most shocking part of that story is that they guy who knocked up a woman while married to a different woman is a ‘former’ and not ‘current’ Trump adviser.

6. According to ‘The Washington Post,’ while speaking of President Trump’s distaste for reading intelligence briefings, one Trump confidant said, “The president has patience for a half a page … I call the president the two-minute man.” Which is still a full minute and a half longer than what Melania calls him.

7. President Trump on Thursday thanked Russian President Vladimir Putin for ordering the United States to slash its diplomatic staff in Russia. I think Trump’s exact words were “Thank you, sir, may I have another”:

8. President Trump said on Thursday he has not given any thought to the possibility of firing special counsel Robert Mueller. Hey, you had me at ‘President Trump hasn’t given any thought.’

9. Blue Point Brewing Company has introduced a new pilsner named “Delayed,” inspired by recent delays on the New York City subway system. It’s perfect because going in it takes your mind off the delays and coming out it smells like the subway.

10. The International Olympic Committee is reportedly considering adding video gaming to its roster of sports for the 2024 Olympic Games. But they gotta decide soon because it’s gonna take a long time to build a basement beneath Olympic Stadium.

11. Kylie Jenner recently admitted that she doesn’t know who she is since becoming famous saying, “I think I lost a lot of parts of myself.” Specifically her original lips, nose and ass.

12. A married mother of two in Michigan, who had sex with two teens after luring them with naked pictures on Snapchat, was sentenced to up to 15 years in prison. But, honestly, I’m just impressed that a married mother of two knows how to use Snapchat.

13. The New England Patriots are so confident that they are going to win this season that they have already begun selling postseason tickets. Not to be outdone, the Jets are so confident that they’re already booking postseason tee times.

14. The French have starting selling fresh oysters via vending machines. “Can you break a twenty?” asked a seal.

15. Russian President Vladimir Putin recently took a three-day fishing and hunting trip in the Siberian wilderness. Because there’s no real reason for Putin to come into the office when his employees are on vacation as well:

16. On Saturday, President Trump tweeted that his 17-day trip to his golf club in New Jersey is “not a vacation.” I think I speak for everyone when I say, please, vacations work both ways and we could really use one.

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