August 10, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, the NBA announced that the Brooklyn Nets, who went 20-62 last season, will play two games in Mexico next year. In response, the Mexican President said, “When America sends its people here, they’re not sending their best.”

2. The International Olympic Committee is reportedly considering adding video gaming to its roster of sports for the 2024 Olympic Games. Which means, in the not-too-distant future, both of these men could be gold medal athletes:

3. This week, North Korea released a Canadian pastor after he was sentenced to life in prison two and a half years ago. Unfortunately, they released him to Guam.

4. An evangelical adviser to President Trump said the commander-in-chief has God’s authority to take out North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. Said Trump, “Did God say anything about Rosie O’Donnell?”

5. An evangelical adviser to President Trump said the commander-in-chief has God’s authority to take out North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. Which means Trump now has permission to cross off another item on his bucket list:

6. The doctor who discovered CTE believes that any parent who lets their kid play football should be charged with child abuse. He also considers it child abuse for any parent to raise their kid as a Jets fan.

7. Yesterday, in response to the North Korean situation, Secretary of State Rex Tillerson said there is “no imminent threat” and that “Americans should sleep well at night.” Although, I think Tillerson is vastly overestimating how well Americans have been sleeping since January 20, 2017:

8. A fragrance company is selling a candle that they claim smells like New York City for $70. Because nothing says New York City like spending $70 on a candle.

9. Bruce Springsteen is headed to Broadway for an eight-week solo theater run. No word if the 8-week run will feature multiple shows or just one, long, normal-length Springsteen show.

10. Cheetos is launching a pop-up restaurant in New York City devoted to Cheetos-inspired dishes. Which explains this recent headline:

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