August 7, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Sunday, Vice President Mike Pence called the rumors that he is preparing for a 2020 presidential run “offensive” and “disgraceful.” Pence was either upset or giving a sneak peak at a possible 2020 re-election slogan:

2. Over the weekend, Russian President Vladimir Putin stripped to his waist and went fishing in the Siberian wilderness. Which of course means Trump will have to redecorate the Lincoln bedroom:

3. On Saturday, President Trump tweeted that his 17-day trip to his golf club in New Jersey is “not a vacation.” “Maybe not for you,” said his staff that remained in D.C.

4. In a new interview, New York Knick Carmelo Anthony said he has had “great conversations” with the team and “they know what I’m looking for.” Yeah, we all do:

5. This week it was announced that the popular basketball video game ‘NBA LIVE 18’ will feature WNBA players for the first time ever. “Oh, no, MOTHER!” yelled Mike Pence:

6. A blind man in the U.K. was able to watch his favorite soccer team for the first time in twenty-seven years thanks to a new pioneering technology. “Have they developed the reverse technology?” asked Jets fans who can see.

7. Outgoing Press Secretary Sean Spicer reportedly gave his family a tour of the White House last week. Said Spicer, “I cried in that closet. I cried in that closet. See that bush of there? Cried in it.”

8. On Friday night, a Matchbox Twenty concert in Arizona was delayed due to bees. And then, to make matters worse, once the bees disappeared, the concert went on as planned.

9. Last week, millions of bubbles floated across Hong Kong’s Victoria Harbor as part of a public art exhibit. Oh, sure, when they do it it’s art, but when I do it I’m “no longer welcomed at that public pool.”

10. A soccer club in the U.K. has fired its cheerleaders for being too distracting. Although, to be fair, anything is distracting when the only other option is watching soccer.

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