July 27, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Energy Secretary Rick Perry reportedly took part in a 22-minute phone call with a Russian prankster who he thought was the Prime Minister of Ukraine. Said Perry, “Dammit, I knew ‘Ukraine’ sounded like a made-up country.”

2. Energy Secretary Rick Perry reportedly took part in a 22-minute phone call with a Russian prankster who he thought was the Prime Minister of Ukraine. That story again, a prank caller in Russia definitely has the nuclear codes now.

3. While giving a speech in Ohio Tuesday night, President Trump said, “with the exception of the late great Abraham Lincoln, I could be more presidential than any president who has ever held this office.” Adding, “And I should know, I’m a student of history, just ask my good friend Frederick Douglass.”

4. On Tuesday, an alleged bank robber stripped down and ran naked along a Florida roadway in a failed bid to evade the cops. Florida, where stripping down naked and running on a highway is seen as an attempt to blend in.

5. Former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez’s Connecticut home is on the market for $1.3 million. Man, if those walls could talk, Hernandez probably would have murdered them too.

6. Longevity expert Dr. Shigeaki Hinohara died this week at the age of 105. He is survived by some pretty smug 106-year-olds.

7. According to a new study, the average number of guests at a lesbian wedding is 87. And, unsurprisingly, they all order the fish.

8. A bride-to-be is holding an auction for potential bridesmaids to bid for a place in her wedding. “Going, going, gone,” said someone narrating how the groom reacted to hearing that.

9. A temporary O.J. Simpson museum is set to open in Los Angeles next month. And, if you need someone who has experience collecting O.J. memorabilia, I know a guy:

10. At a rally in Ohio Tuesday night, President Trump said, if he had not been elected, the Second Amendment would have been “gonezo.” Which is the second time he’s mentioned a Muppet:

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