July 26, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, President Trump spoke to a large gathering of Boy Scouts saying, “there’s no better feeling than an achievement that you’ve earned with your own sweat, tears, resolve, hardwork.” Adding, “And of course a small $10 million, interest-free loan from your father.

2. On Monday, President Trump spoke to 40,000 Boy Scouts at the organization’s annual jamboree. And what better person to speak to a group of kids who get merit badges for tying knots than someone who has done it three times and counting:

3. A Danish company is selling makeup for your vagina. “Do you sell a concealer?” asked women around Bill Cosby.

4. Italian police said on Monday they had arrested two brothers suspected of robbing dozens of cash machines while wearing masks of President Trump. Authorities knew it wasn’t actually Trump because during the hold-up the robbers stuck to their script and didn’t once mention their huge electoral college victory.

5. According to new research, sperm counts in men from America have dropped by more than 50 percent in less than 40 years. Which I have a hard time believing considering how sticky the floor on the G train always is.

6. New research found the brains of 99 percent of former NFL players studied showed signs of a disease linked to repeated hits to the head that can lead to dementia. While the remaining 1 percent wasn’t a football player:

7. According to reports in Australia, Justin Bieber abruptly cancelled his concert tour to focus on opening up his own church. “What happened? We had such a great partnership,” asked the Devil.

8. A woman in Detroit was arrested for attempting to train squirrels to attack her ex-boyfriend. Even worse, this is her ex-boyfriend:

9. New research shows that ancient humans had sex with non-human species. That story again, even 150,000 years ago, there was still a South.

10. A new terminal is set to open in Singapore’s Changi Airport that, in theory, will allow passengers to go all the way from check-in to boarding without speaking to another person. You know, it’s not the speaking that gets to me:

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