July 21, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. The people behind ‘Game of Thrones’ are making a new HBO show set in a world where the South won the Civil War. It will be like ‘Game of Thrones’ but with more incest.

2. David and Victoria Beckham’s 12-year-old son Cruz is recording an album. So, hopefully, Cruz inherited his looks from his father and his singing voice also from his father.

3. At his parole hearing yesterday, O.J. Simpson said, once released, he would like to live in Florida. Which means the most dangerous job in Florida just changed from alligator wrangler to waiter.

4. President Trump said he had a second shorter meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin at the recent G20 Summit where the two leaders exchanged pleasantries and talked about adoption. Specifically, whether Putin wanted to adopt Eric.

5. In a new interview, President Trump said French President Emmanuel Macron “loves holding my hand.” Probably because it makes Macron’s hands look huge.

6. In a new interview, President Trump said French President Emmanuel Macron “loves holding my hand.” Adding, “Unlike some people, Vlad.”

7. In response to President Trump’s recent comments, Jeff Sessions said he will stay on as Attorney General “as long as that is appropriate.” So, I guess Sessions will resign four months ago.

8. A Cambodian widow believes a 5-month-old calf she found outside her house is her reincarnated husband. Said the elderly woman’s daughter, “I keep telling you, dad didn’t die, he left you, mainly because of shit like this.”

9. Police in Cleveland say a restaurant customer, angry about the way his sandwich tasted and looked, threatened to shoot somebody over it. That story again, they have Arby’s in Cleveland.

10. According to ‘People’ magazine, Donald Trump Jr. “goes to work every day and is miserable” and “can’t wait for these four years to be over.” He truly is his father’s son:

11. According to ‘The New York Times,’ former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort is in debt to pro-Russia interests by as much as $17 million. Which could be the most in debt anyone working on the Trump campaign was to Russia depending on how much a pee tape is worth.

12. Newly uncovered evidence suggests that humans arrived in Australia thousands of years earlier than previously thought. Said the archaeologist who made the discovery, “That’s not a fossil. This is a fossil.”

13. A new study found that make-up sex after a fight isn’t always good for your relationship. Especially if you’re doing it with someone other than your partner.

14. Last week, Paris Hilton announced her return to music by releasing a sneak peak of her new song. I haven’t heard it yet, but I did hear a guy audible fart on the G train this morning, so I feel like I have.

15. A woman sleeping on the New York City subway woke up to find a man urinating on her face. Said the man, “I’m so sorry, I was trying to masturbate.”

16. A Detroit woman said the robber who stole her purse Friday sent a semi-nude photo of her to all the contacts in her cellphone. “I never knew you felt this way,” said her grandpa.

17. According to a new study, men named Wayne are most likely to cheat on their partners. “No, no, my name is Gary,” said a guy named Wayne getting caught cheating.

18. Donald Trump’s campaign paid $50,000 to the law office now representing Donald Trump Jr. a little more than a week before news surfaced of an unreported meeting with a Russian attorney. That unbelievable story again, Donald Trump actually paid someone for services rendered.

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