July 19, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Fox News has hired former LAPD detective Mark Fuhrman to analyze O.J. Simpson’s upcoming parole hearing. That ridiculous story again, a white cop who is best known for using the n-word wasn’t already working for Fox News.

2. Authorities in Saudi Arabia are investigating a young woman who posted a video of herself wearing a miniskirt and crop-top in public. Yeah, ‘investigating’ that’s what I call it when my wife catches me looking at racy pictures online too.

3. People are speculating that to avoid the paparazzi, singer Taylor Swift recently left her Manhattan apartment in a suitcase. That story again, Taylor Swift comes with baggage and she was once also in a suitcase.

4. A 56-year-old man in China has been dressing as a woman for 20 years to help his mentally ill mother cope with the death of his sister. Said the old woman, “I love my beautiful daughter, not like my good-for-nothing son who never visits anymore.”

5. A South Carolina man who rented a hotel room and booked a prostitute was surprised when his escort turned out to be his wife. Which goes to prove that the secret to a long marriage is having common interests.

6. According to a new book, Steve Bannon once called Speaker of the House Paul Ryan a “limp-dick, motherfucker who was born in a petri dish at the Heritage Foundation.” As opposed to Bannon himself, who was obviously born when Slimer from ‘Ghostbusters’ fucked a honey-baked ham.

7. President Trump on Tuesday said he is disappointed that the latest Republican effort to repeal and replace Obamacare in the Senate failed. And, even worse, he can’t even cheer himself up because they already took the fire truck away:

8. Careem, a Middle Eastern rival to Uber, has become the first ride-hailing service to operate in the Israeli-occupied West Bank. Said one user, “Gotta go, my tank’s here.”

9. America’s second-highest ranking military officer, General Paul Selva, advocated Tuesday for “keeping the ethical rules of war in place lest we unleash on humanity a set of robots that we don’t know how to control.” Which, if you go to my parent’s house, includes the DVR.

10. Noted 86-year-old jewel thief Doris Payne was arrested again on Monday trying to steal $86 worth of doodads from an Atlanta Walmart. The judge gave Payne five years in jail, or, in other words, a life sentence.

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