10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Last week, an Oklahoma man proposed to his girlfriend as he was being arrested in his driveway on six felony warrants. Said the arresting officer, “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you. I’m not reading you your Miranda rights, I’m just telling you how marriage works.”

2. United Airlines destroyed a passenger’s $42,000 custom wheelchair. Said United, “Or, maybe, just maybe, we provided that customer with the necessary motivation to finally walk again.”

3. New York City cops busted a crazed woman who sprayed lighter fluid all over a Duane Reade in the Port Authority early Tuesday morning. Crazed? Really? I’m calling bullshit if you’ve ever been in the Port Authority and not felt the urge to burn that place to the ground.

4. In a new interview, President Trump said Russian President Vladimir Putin would be happier if Hillary Clinton were in the White House now. Or, as it’s more commonly referred to, buyer’s remorse.

5. Yesterday, a chunk of ice the size of Delaware broke off from Antartica. Which is impressive because if Delaware broke off the from U.S., I’m pretty sure it would take weeks before anyone noticed.

6. According to a new study, happy cows produce more milk. And, if they’re really happy, that ain’t milk.

7. In a recent interview, former late-night host David Letterman said that people need to “stop whining” about President Trump and instead “figure out a way” to remove him from office. Letterman went on to say, “And the best way I know to push someone out of a job is to get Jay Leno interested in that job.”

8. A New Hampshire mom said she was horrified after her son returned from a McDonald’s playpen covered in feces. Of course, a McDonald’s covered in shit can only mean one thing, the McRib is back!

9. Television networks are intentionally misspelling the names of their news shows to artificially boost their ratings. To hear more about this story tune into to tonight’s ‘Big Bang Theory with Lester Holt.’

10. Ivanka Trump, President Donald Trump’s daughter, briefly took her father’s seat at a meeting with other world leaders at the G20 summit on Saturday. Afterwards, President Trump said he regretted the move, not because Ivanka sat in his seat, but that he wasn’t in his chair when she did it:

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