July 12, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, happy cows produce more milk. And, if they’re really happy, that ain’t milk.

2. In a recent interview, former late-night host David Letterman said that people need to “stop whining” about President Trump and instead “figure out a way” to remove him from office. Letterman went on to say, “And the best way I know to push someone out of a job is to get Jay Leno interested in that job.”

3. A New Hampshire mom said she was horrified after her son returned from a McDonald’s playpen covered in feces. Of course, a McDonald’s covered in shit can only mean one thing, the McRib is back!

4. This week, the Kremlin confirmed that President Vladimir Putin speaks Russian, English and German. While our president barely speaks English:

5. Yesterday, in response to recent news, President Trump released a statement calling his son Donald Trump Jr. “a high quality person.” The Donald calling Don Jr. “a high quality person” is just further proof that the president spends absolutely no time with his son.

6. Yesterday, in response to recent news, President Trump released a statement calling his son Donald Trump Jr. “a high quality person.” Which also, is how I assume Trump signs all Don Jr.’s birthday cards:

7. According to a new study, employees who see themselves as over-qualified for their positions are more likely to be unsatisfied with their life. Which explains why Secretary of Energy Rick Perry always seems so happy.

8. A five-year-old boy is being investigated for sexting another kid of similar age over the weekend. Which I’m guessing means Anthony Weiner had custody of his son this past weekend.

9. According to reports, Steve Bannon has a painting of himself as Napoleon hanging in his office. Of course, when Bannon puts his hand in his shirt, it’s not to look dignified, it’s because he has indigestion.

10. A new survey finds men, Republicans, and residents of the northeast are the best tippers. “To his credit, Elliot Spitzer always tipped well,” said whores.

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