July 11, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A woman from Iowa pled guilty to election misconduct for attempting to cast two ballots in the 2016 presidential election for Donald Trump. Yikes, I’d hate to be the guy who has to tell Trump he actually lost the popular vote by 2,017,564 votes:

2. President Donald Trump’s son Donald Trump Jr. said on Monday he would be happy to share what he knows with the Senate Intelligence Committee. As a result, the Senate Intelligence Committee has set aside eight minutes on Wednesday to hear absolutely everything Donald Trump Jr knows. No word, on what they plan on doing with the remaining seven minutes.

3. Researchers studying a mass vaccination campaign against meningitis have found a surprising side effect, the shots also offered protection against gonorrhea. That story again, Lindsay Lohan most likely also has meningitis.

4. An ultra-Orthodox Jewish version of ‘SharkTank’ called ‘BizTank’ has launched online. The first guy in the tank had a business that repurposed used bed sheets into ghost costumes for kids:

5. Earlier this month, Amazon’s Alexa called the police after a New Mexico man beat and threatened to kill his girlfriend. “How do you unplug this thing?” said O.J.

6. When President Trump travels to Paris later this week, he will reportedly dine on blue lobster with French President Emmanuel Macron in Paris. “That’s not the color that’s supposed to be,” said someone looking at Trump.

7. A Maine woman who tuned 100 said the secret to her longevity is wine. “I’m never gonna die, bitches!” yelled Kathie Lee Gifford.

8. The Senate intelligence committee’s top Democrat said on Monday he “absolutely” wants to speak to President Donald Trump’s son about a meeting he had during the campaign last year with a Russian attorney. That enthusiasm to talk to Donald Trump Jr. can only mean one thing, he’s never talked to Donald Trump Jr before.

9. The International Olympic Committee said on Monday it is working hard to make sure North Korea takes part in next year’s Winter Olympics in neighboring South Korea. And, to that end, they have introduced a new Olympic sport, failed missile launching.

10. According to reports, the cast of MTV’s ‘Jersey Shore’ has been spotted in New Jersey filming a reunion show. Because, much like the herpes they all have, they reemerge up every couple of years.

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