June 19, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last Thursday, Tucker Carlson was forced to miss his evening show on Fox News because he had to undergo an emergency appendectomy. In it’s place, they broadcast this photo of Patrick Bateman for an hour and no one seemed to notice the difference:

2. President Donald Trump visited the Supreme Court on Thursday for the first time since taking office. Trump enjoyed the visit so much, he has decided to go to other places he hasn’t visited since becoming president, like Barron’s room.

3. A courthouse in Arkansas is asking people to stop peeing in their elevator. But, in their defense, most Arkansans don’t know what indoor plumbing looks like.

4. On Friday, online retailer Amazon acquired supermarket chain Whole Foods for $13.7 billion. It would have cost more, but Amazon brought its own bag.

5. A Russian billionaire has been parking his yacht in front of the Statue of Liberty for the past two months, obstructing the view of the iconic landmark. Tourists trying to get pictures call the boat ‘a nuisance,’ while President Trump calls it his ‘getaway plan.’

6. A constipated man in China had to have 28 pounds of feces surgically removed. The last time that much shit was surgically removed from someone, Ivana had a c-section:

7. Last week, the Discovery Channel announced that Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps will race a Great White during shark week. Phelps will either assert his dominance over the sea or be eligible for next year’s Paralympic Games.

8. According to researchers, men should ejaculate at least 21 times a month to reduce the risk of prostate cancer. That story again, the homeless guy who lives on my corner has the healthiest prostate in the world.

9. Actress Tori Spelling recently debuted a new purple hairstyle. No word on why she died her hair purple, but, I think it’s safe to assume, it’s not because she was getting recognized too much.

10. Last week, President Trump nominated his son Eric’s wedding planner to run New York’s federal housing program. Because, apparently, Trump thinks the woman who was able to marry off Eric is capable of two miracles.

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