June 14, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Today is President Trump’s 71st birthday. But, since Putin already got him the election, he just sent a card.

2. Today is President Trump’s 71st birthday. That story again, Donald Trump was born 71 years ago today just in case there are any time travelers out there who were wondering.

3. Today is President Trump’s 71st birthday. “Getting closer,” said Melania:

4. According to reports, Russian hackers infiltrated voter databases in 39 states during the 2016 presidential election. Which means, in the run up to the election, even the Russians visited more states than Hillary.

5. A self-proclaimed psychic tricked a 23-year-old grad student into paying her $2,500 to lift a curse from her family. But, in the student’s defense, $2,500 to get rid of Eric is a pretty sweet deal:

6. On Tuesday, the Clemson Tigers visited the White House four months after winning the college football championship. I’m not sure why it took four months for them to visit the White House, but, if history is any guide, I’d guess because they’re married to the president:

7. Despite losing, LeBron James became the first player in NBA history to average a triple-double in the Finals. Not to be outdone, his teammates somehow managed to become the first player to average negative points.

8. Despite saying privacy was important to them, 98% of college students polled gladly gave up their friend’s contact information in exchange for free pizza. So, hey friends, get ready for some creepy late night texts:

9. Vietnam vet James McCloughan will be the first person awarded the Medal of Honor by President Trump. Unless of course Trump’s bone spurs act up again.

10. Actor Alec Baldwin made an appearance Monday at the opening of the controversial staging of ‘Julius Caesar’ at New York’s Shakespeare in the Park. Not to be outdone, brother Stephen Baldwin made an appearance at the opening of an Orange Julius in Reseda.

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