June 9, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Hours before former FBI Director James Comey testified on Thursday, the line to get into the public hearing stretched to over 600 people. “Wow, 600 people! Who was getting inaugurated?” asked Trump.

2. Many bars in Washington D.C. opened at nine Thursday morning allowing patrons to get good and drunk ahead of the Comey hearing. And it showed:

3. A musical based on the life and songs of Cher will be coming to Broadway in 2018. Of course, if you’d like a sneak peak before that, you can always check out Mike Pence’s nightmares.

4. A yearbook at a middle school in San Diego inadvertently printed the n-word on the cover. Said the principal, “We apologize, that’s not the kind of language we want to be associated with here at Bill Maher Regional Middle School.”

5. Yesterday in response to James Comey’s testimony, President Trump’s personal attorney, Marc Kasowtiz, released a statement on the president’s behalf which misspelled the word ‘president’ in the very first sentence. Leading to the startling conclusion that this guy may be the most competent person in Trump’s life:

6. Yesterday, Vice President Mike Pence revealed that carrot cake is his favorite dessert. That story again, a bland vanilla wafer likes carrot cake.

7. According to a new study, people who get drunk for the first time before their fifteenth birthday are more likely to die prematurely. And, apparently, so are the people who get them drunk:

8. Actor Brad Pitt made a surprise appearance this week on a Comedy Central show playing the role of a weatherman. Not to be outdone, Al Roker has started a fight club.

9. A newly renovated gorilla exhibit has reopened at the Cincinnati Zoo a year after the death of Harambe. And, just like when you left home to go to college, they turned Harambe’s room into a gym.

10. According to court testimony on Wednesday, Bill Cosby told the mother of the woman who has accused him of sexual assault that he was a “sick man.” Luckily, he had a pill for that, too.

11. Designer Stella McCartney is teaming up with a save-the-ocean group to make clothes from aquatic debris. So, now, how Ke$ha looks will finally match how she smells.

12. Massachusetts lawmakers are weighing whether to ban the use of Native American mascots in public schools. So far, the best plan to get rid of the Indian mascots is to have the New England Patriots bring them blankets.

13. According to a new study, women who have regular sex tend to live longer. “My affairs are in order,” said Melania.

14. Over the weekend, former Secretary of State John Kerry said President Trump seeking a new deal on climate change is like O.J. Simpson searching for the real killer. Begging the question, can two people be Kato?:

15. The next SpaceX mission to the International Space Station will carry 400 fruit flies, 2000 eggs and 40 mice. Or, as it is more commonly know, a New York City studio apartment.

16. A 57-year-old woman in Spain admitted to pretending to being blind for the past 28 years to avoid having to interact with people. Plus, you know, free dog.

17. Oreo O’s a cereal made to taste like the cookie, is returning the supermarket shelves after a ten year hiatus. The cereal is exactly the same as before, but with a new tagline: “We’re back for your other foot.”

18. The Utah Attorney General’s Office said that a man suing the state has no constitutional right to marry his laptop computer. That story again, if you use this guy’s computer, make sure to wash your hands afterwards.

19. A new app called DrnkPay stops users from making purchases while drunk. And, in related news, Taco Bell has filed for bankruptcy.

20. On Thursday, Boeing, the world’s biggest plane maker, said it is looking ahead to a world where jetliners fly without pilots.”Us too,” said people who live near Harrison Ford.

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