June 5, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last Thursday, a man climbed a 30-foot-tall bulldozer on a crowded Miami freeway, stripped naked and masturbated in plain view during rush hour. Causing a handful of motorists to use their windshield wipers even though it wasn’t raining.

2. In a recent interview, White House aide Kellyanne Conway said that President Trump will never stop tweeting. And it’s kinda hard to argue since, apparently, he even tweeted mid-stroke:

3. The Utah Attorney General’s Office said that a man suing the state has no constitutional right to marry his laptop computer. Because you know, just like Trump, in a couple of years, he’s gonna trade it in for a newer model.

4. Though the number of American teenagers having babies has dropped over the past half century, a new study finds regional clusters with strikingly high teen birth rates. Yeah, those clusters are called the South.

5. The Olympics will reportedly add 3-on-3 basketball to the 2020 Games. And, if you think that’s interesting, LeBron’s been playing 1-on-5 basketball for years.

6. Massachusetts Institute of Technology officials said President Trump badly misunderstood their research when he cited it on Thursday to justify withdrawing the U.S. from the Paris Climate Agreement. But, in Trump’s defense, if they wanted him to understand it better, they should have included more pictures, preferably ones that pop-up.

7. A group of investors that includes Bob Marley’s son Damian has purchased High Times magazine for $70 million. And, if this is the first you’re hearing about the purchase, hi Damian.

8. While delivering a speech Saturday night in Iowa, Vice President Mike Pence reassured conservatives that President Trump will deliver on his campaign promise to boost the economy. Just like he built the wall … er, drained the swamp … well, there’s a first for everything.

9. On Saturday, U.S. Ambassador to the U.N., Nikki Haley, said President Trump believes in climate change. But that vote of confidence should be taken with a grain of salt because Trump also once told Eric that he believed in him as well.

10. In a new interview, Russian President Vladimir Putin said he hardly spoke with former U.S. National Security Adviser Michael Flynn when they sat next to each other at a Moscow dinner in 2015. “I completely understand that,” said Trump:

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