1. Doctors are warning women against a new trend of putting wasp nests in their vaginas. “Look, if you got a better defense plan, I’m all ears,” said women who work in the White House.
2. According to a new study, couples trying for a baby have sex an average of 78 times before becoming pregnant. Which means, according to my calculations, my upstairs neighbors have 137 kids by now.
3. President Trump’s 2020 reelection committee is selling “Big League Boxes,” packed with Trump merchandise, delivered monthly to recurring donors. Said Trump, “Aren’t monthly donations usually called ‘alimony payments’?”
5. Thieves in Washington used a blowtorch to steal from an ATM, but, in doing so, accidentally set the cash in the machine on fire. People said they haven’t seen someone light that much money on fire, that quickly, since Paramount greenlit the ‘Baywatch’ movie.
6. Whlie speaking at an event in Australia this week, Senator John McCain pleaded with the country to be patient with the U.S. while the new Trump administration “finds it feet.” Which could take a while because I don’t think Trump’s been able to see his feet in years:
7. On Tuesday, the owner of Pennsylvania’s Three Mile Island nuclear power plant, the site of a 1979 partial meltdown, said he plans to close the facility sometime in the next twenty-four months. And, to illustrate his point, he held up twenty-four fingers.
8. According to reports, the White House is considering hiring lawyers to vet President Trump’s tweets before he sends them. Forget lawyers, I’d be happy if he ran them by spellcheck first.
9. A dad in Oklahoma pranked his son by picking him up on the last day of high school wearing nothing but a speedo. So, I guess, make that 14 reasons why.