May 30, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Friday, Homeland Security Secretary John Kelly said if people knew what he knew, they’d “never leave the house.” “Way ahead of you,” said Melania.

2. According to a new study, A moderate-intensity walking regimen may reduce symptoms of mild cognitive impairment that are linked to poor blood vessel health in the brain. And, in related news:

3. Multiple outlets are reporting that President Trump’s son-in-law and senior adviser Jared Kushner talked with the Russian ambassador in December about establishing a back channel for communications. Although, at this point, instead of a back line, wouldn’t it make more sense to set up some kind of group chat?:

4. According to reports, the White House is considering hiring lawyers to vet President Trump’s tweets before he sends them. Forget lawyers, I’d be happy if he ran them by spellcheck first.

5. A dad in Oklahoma pranked his son by picking him up on the last day of high school wearing nothing but a speedo. So, I guess, make that 14 reasons why.

6. According to “The New York Post,” embattled comedian Bill Cosby lives in constant fear of someone slipping something into his food or drink. And, by the look of him, I’m guessing that something is a fruit or vegetable:

7. A California woman claims to have married an historic San Diego train station. But why marry a train station, when Penn Station will fuck you for free everyday.

8. According to reports, during the G7 meetings in Italy, German Chancellor Angela Merkel whispered something to President Trump. But, I’m assuming, Trump just thought one of the voices inside his head had learned German.

9. Barbra Streisand’s 14-year-old dog Sammie died over the weekend. But, unlike the book, Old Yeller is still alive:

10. A group of 8th graders on a field trip to Washington D.C. over the weekend, refused to have their picture taken with House Speaker Paul Ryan. And Ryan was not happy when he was informed that the kids would not be showing up for the photoshoot:

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