May 22, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new report, former FBI Director James Comey once tried to blend into the curtains in the Oval Office to avoid being seen by President Trump. “Find you own hiding spot,” said Melania, who was already in those curtains.

2. Fox News on Friday announced that it had fired “The Five” co-host Bob Beckel for an untoward remark he made to an employee of color. Fox News said they cannot support that type of inflammatory language directed at an African-American unless that person is the president.

3. A GPS company is offering customers the option of choosing Donald Trump’s voice as their navigation voice. There is also a Hillary Clinton option, but, even if you ask, it refuses to give you directions to Michigan or Wisconsin.

4. According to ‘The New York Times,’ President Donald Trump bragged to two Russian officials last week that firing “nut job” FBI Director James Comey eased “great pressure” on him. The last time Trump was able to ease such pressure was the previous night when he took off his spanx.

5. A kung fu master in China used his genitals to pull a 13 ton bus. And yet, that is only the second most disturbing story involving genitals and a bus:

6. As a result of pleading guilty to sexting a fifteen-year-old girl, former Congressman Anthony Weiner will have to register as a sex offender. Thus tarnishing the otherwise good name of Anthony Weiner.

7. Huma Abedin has filed for divorce from husband and former Congressman Anthony Weiner. “You couldn’t have done this a year ago!” screamed Hillary.

8. Over the weekend, ‘Saturday Night Live’ cast member Vanessa Bayer announced that, after seven seasons, last Saturday’s episode was her last. Bayer played many beloved characters on the show, but you probably know her best from this announcement right now.

9. On Sunday, Pope Francis told a crowd of children that, when he was younger, he didn’t play soccer very well, which is how he earned the nickname “stiff leg.” Unfortunately, this was not the first time a Catholic priest told kids about a stiff body part.

10. Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has demanded his government ministers attend the arrival ceremony of President Trump this morning after several of them said they were going to skip it. But, I wouldn’t get too bent out of shape about it, Trump is used to small crowds:

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