May 18, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Russian President Vladimir Putin said he is “ready to provide recording” of the White House meeting between his foreign minister and President Trump to Congress. Hopefully, he’s labeled his recordings well:

2. ABC announced this week that former MLBer Alex Rodriguez will appear as a guest judge on the next season of ‘Shark Tank.’ The episodes will air in the fall, which means, for once, A-Rod may actually contribute to a winning bid in October.

3. Authorities at a Malaysian airport said they seized 330 endangered tortoises that were falsely labeled as “stones” in boxes shipped from Madagascar. Not to be confused with these tortoises who are also labeled Stones:

4. A new survey suggests that most Americans are confused about what counts as a healthy food choice. Said Americans, “What’s healthier ‘smothered’ or ‘covered’?”

5. Former President Bill Clinton has agreed to co-write a mystery novel entitled “The President is Missing.” It is expected to sell better than the horror novel entitled “The President is in the Oval Office Hard at Work”:

6. According to reports, when writing intel briefings, National Security Council officials strategically include President Trump’s name in “as many paragraphs” as possible because “he keeps reading if he’s mentioned.” Luckily, considering all his lawsuits, Trump will never run out of reading material.

7. Tuesday night, Bernie Sanders said he’s not ready to jump on the impeach Trump bandwagon yet. Oh, look who’s in the one percent now.

8. Yesterday President Trump gave the commencement speech at the Coast Guard Academy where he said, “No politician in history … has been treated worse or more unfairly.” The only words fit for print when Hillary was reached for comment were ‘are,’ ‘you,’ kidding,’ and ‘me,’

9. In her new memoir, 70-year-old actress Suzanne Somers said the secret to her 40-year marriage is having sex everyday. “That’s ironic, the secret to ours is the exact opposite,” said Melania.

10. On Wednesday, the World Health Organization said that more than half of all deaths worldwide have no recorded cause. Or, as it was reported on Fox News, more than half of all deaths can be traced back to the DNC.

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