May 17, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A British wing suit pilot will attempt to break four world record by skydiving from 42,000 feet. One of those records, word’s deadest man.

2. Pepsi announced a new cinnamon-flavored soda called Pepsi Fire that will be in stores nationwide starting May 22. Of course, you can always make your own Pepsi Fire by brining a can of Pepsi to a riot and waiting to be pepper sprayed.

3. Fashion company Chanel is selling a $2,000 boomerang. It’s perfect if you love throwing away money and not having it come back to you.

4. In a new interview, when talking about his role in the Trump administration, Assistant Attorney General Rod Rosenstein said, “there is no place I would rather be.” Which is ridiculous, because Trump doesn’t even want to be there:

5. According to a new report, President Trump will give a speech on Islam when he visits Saudi Arabia later this month. Although, wouldn’t it be quicker if he just drew a picture of Mohammed?

6. President Trump was pressured on Tuesday by U.S. lawmakers, including Republicans, to explain why he revealed highly sensitive intelligence to Russian diplomats last week. Said Trump, “Are you familiar with a triple-dog dare.”

7. President Trump is set to nominate Newt Gingrich’s wife Callista as U.S. ambassador to the Vatican. Callista is already very familiar with Vatican customs because Newt also releases a puff of white smoke when he selects a new wife.

8. President Trump this week issued a statement for paid family leave. He’s against it because, from his experience, they usually stick around longer if you pay them:

9. For three minutes Monday night, a screen in D.C.’s Union train station accidentally aired a pornographic video. Which explains why the arrivals board kept saying the F-train was coming.

10. Yesterday, a man was arrested for jumping over the White House fence. But, in his defense, Spicer heard the bushes were greener on the other side.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.