May 16, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A Florida woman recently filed a lawsuit in Mississippi against a Confederate group claiming that a camel named Sir Camelot bit her at the site of the Jefferson Davis Home and Presidential Library in Biloxi. And, still, the most surprising part of that story is that there’s a library in Mississippi.

2. According to a new report, President Trump doesn’t exercise because he believes it drains the body’s ‘finite’ energy resources. Man, that guy really doesn’t like gyms/Jims:
jim gym

3. President Trump is set to nominate Newt Gingrich’s wife Callista as U.S. ambassador to the Vatican. Callista and the Pope have a lot in common, for instance, they are both celibate.

4. Several dozen torch-wielding protesters gathered in Virginia’s Lee Park Saturday night to protest the removal of a Confederate statue. When reached for comment, Eric Trump said, “Fire bad!”:

5. During a television interview on Monday, former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez’s fiancee said he gave no indication that he planned to commit suicide in his prison cell during their last phone call. She said he did say he as “gonna kill a guy” but that was normal talk for him.

6. Yesterday, Goodyear Tire and the Cleveland Cavaliers reached an agreement for the team to wear the tire company’s logo on their jerseys next season. But Goodyear didn’t stop there, they also struck a deal for their biggest competitor Michellin’s logo to appear on the Knicks’ jerseys.

7. Wildlife officials in Florida are warning residents not to approach a family of monkeys that appears to have moved into the neighborhood. Which made for a very sad housewarming party:

8. On Friday, while hinting that fired FBI Director James Comey should keep his mouth shut, President Trump implied that he may have a secret listening device recording all conversations that occur in the Oval Office. “You have a secret listening device in the Oval Office? Yet another thing we have in common,” said Putin.

9. Day-time talk show host Ellen Degeneres said that President Trump is not welcome on her show because “he’s against everything I stand for.” Which is pretty bad considering she’s had Kim Jong Un on:

10. On Thursday, Twitter signed a multi-year deal with the NFL to live-stream pre-game coverage. And, then, viewers can switch over to TV when the games start or, if you’re a Browns fan, just stay on Twitter.

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