May 15, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1.President Donald Trump said on Saturday he wants to move quickly to nominate a new FBI director to replace James Comey. But Trump will be forced to move slower if there are stairs involved.

2. On Friday, President Trump said ousted FBI Director James Comey should watch what he says because he may have secretly taped their conversations. Ah, I see the student has become the master:

3.The world’s heaviest man, who at one point weighed 1,300 pounds, has undergone successful gastric bypass surgery. Although the operating doctor hesitated to label anything that involved him seeing a 1,300-pound man naked ‘a success.’

4. Research suggests giving your baby a non-traditional name can limit his future employment and social prospects. “Look, we tried,” said Reince Priebus’s parents.

5. Last Friday, Newt Gingrich said President Trump is “like a quarterback who gets ahead of his own offensive line so they can’t block for him.” But, in Trump’s defense, he’s pretty good at creating his own offensive lines:

6. According to a resurfaced legal document, former Fox News host Bill O’Reilly’s ex-wife claimed that she once caught O’Reilly engaging in phone sex, half-naked. Which explains whys she was okay with him getting the couch in the divorce.

7. Doctors in China said they surgically removed two ballpoint pens from a man who swallowed them more than three decades ago. Begging the question, who lent this guy a second pen?

8. On Saturday, President Trump gave the commencement speech at Liberty University, where he talked about being humbled by his faith, learning from his mistakes and his lifelong dedication to community service. I’m just kidding, he talked for three hours about his electoral college victory.

9. Pope Francis said on Saturday he would be “sincere” with President Trump despite their differences when they meet at the Vatican later this month. Adding, “But even I have my fucking limits.”

10. President Trump was given an honorary law degree on Saturday after delivering the commencement speech at Liberty University. Now that he has a law degree, Trump plans to go into business with Gloria Allred, their law firm will be called Allred & Allorange LLC.

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