May 11, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new report, more older couples are living together without getting married. No surprise, why buy the cow when you’re getting the curdled milk for free.

2. Late Tuesday night, to avoid reporters, press secretary Sean Spicer reportedly hid in the bushes outside the White House. Not to be outdone, Attorney General Jeff Sessions has been living in a tree for years:

3. An MMA fight in London was called after a fighter continuously ran away from his opponent. So chalk up another ‘no decision’ for Chris ‘Can’t We Just Talk This Out’ Simmons.

4. Wildlife officials in Florida are warning residents not to approach a family of monkeys that appears to have moved into the neighborhood. “You don’t have to tell us twice, we don’t want to catch anything,” said the monkeys.

5. A man in Britain intentionally slept next to his wife’s dead body in one bed for six days. Coincidentally, ‘over my dead body’ is also the only way Melania said she would ever sleep in the same bed as Donald.

6. According to a new study, little kids who have a consistent bedtime and limited screen time may get better at regulating their emotions. You don’t say:

7. The White House said on Wednesday that President Trump is considering four individuals to serve as the interim replacement for fired FBI Director James Comey. Here’s a look at Trump’s exhaustive process:

8. President Trump said on Wednesday he fired FBI Director James Comey because “he wasn’t doing a good job.” Adding, “But you can’t be impeached for that, right?”

9. The Kremlin on Wednesday said it hoped that the firing of FBI Director James Comey would not affect Moscow’s ties in Washington. Although, I’m pretty sure his ties are made in China:

10. Rapper P Diddy’s former personal chef is suing him for sexual harassment. While rapper Rick Ross’s former-personal chef is using him for exhaustion:

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