May 9, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Early Monday morning, President Trump sent out a tweet congratulating golfer John Daly on his win over the weekend. That’s weird, they’re friends? I wonder what an overweight man who golfs every weekend has in common with John Daly.

2. KFC has published a romance novel featuring Colonel Sanders. Not to be outdone, Ronald McDonald is this month’s ‘Playgirl’ centerfold:

3. Over the weekend, a porn star got bitten by a shark while trying to film an underwater sex scene. The director tried to warn her by pointing and screaming “hammerhead,” but she thought he was just giving notes of the scene.

4. A woman in Colombia swallowed $7,000 in cash in an attempt to hide the money from her husband during a fight. He should kiss and makeup with her as quickly as possible, not because of the money, but because a woman with a gag reflex like that is hard to find.

5. Today is National Teachers Day, a day where people are encouraged to contact former teachers and tell how they changed their lives. Which is easy for the new French President Emmanuel Marcon, he’ll just repeat his wedding vows.

6. Former acting-Attorney General Sally Yates testified on Monday that she warned President Trump’s administration that former national security adviser Michael Flynn could be susceptible to being blackmailed by the Russians. Begging the questions, how many pee tapes do these guys have?

7. Facebook users in Thailand have been blocked from seeing a picture of their king in a crop top. As opposed to America’s brave leader, who, on a weekly basis, proves that if you eat enough KFC and McDonald’s, any top can become a crop top:

8. Scientists have discovered that for some people simply looking at vertical lines may trigger a migraine or seizure. Especially if you’re from Boston:

9. A highly anticipated unauthorized biography of Barack Obama is being released today. The foreword, written by President Trump, starts, “Once upon a time in Kenya…”

10. ‘Godfather’ director Francis Ford Coppola has sent a letter to the top U.S. telecommunications regulator urging support for ‘net neutrality.’ Hopefully they get the picture and he doesn’t have to send them a second message:

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