May 8, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A member of the conservative House Freedom Caucus said that it can be difficult to negotiate with President Trump because it’s hard to tell what he’s thinking. So true, if I have one criticism of Trump, it’s that he’s too reserved with his thoughts:

2. Toyota has claimed the title of World’s Fastest SUV after a Toyota Land Cruiser hit 230 miles an hour. “Good to know,” said Al Cowlings.

3. Pornography website Pornhub announced it will be giving away greeting cards that you can give to your mom on Mothers’ Day that turn into virtual reality headsets when folded open. That way, your mom can pretend she lives in a world where her kid doesn’t send her a porn card on Mothers’ Day.

4. According to reports, Ryan Seacrest will host the revival of ‘American Idol’ that is set to air on ABC. When asked for comment, the host said, “Ryan Seacrest still hungry. Ryan Seacrest want more.”

5. The White House announced that Donald Trump will embark on his first international trip as President later this month, visiting multiple cities, including Vatican City. “Quick, close the blinds,” said the Pope.

6. A Danish brewery is using 50,000 liters of urine collected from the largest music festival in Northern Europe to produce a novelty beer. “Ew, gross, beer,” said Trump.

7. Following a “bad experience” at a Louisiana bookstore, a 71-year-old man returned and left dildos on the shelves of the store’s ‘Religion’ section. Everyone agreed they hadn’t seen a cabinet stocked with that many dildos since:

8. Over the weekend, a porn star got bitten by a shark while trying to film an underwater sex scene. The victim was immediately rushed to the nearest hospital where the doctor gave the shark a clean bill of health.

9. Last week, a 510-pound man broke into a Florida Burger King and drank more than 25 gallons of oil from the deep frier. But, in his defense, he also got a Diet Coke.

10. The sister of President Trump’s advisor and son-in law Jared Kushner was in China last week telling high-net worth individuals that if they invest $500,000 in a development in Jersey City they’ll be able to immigrate to the U.S. That’s immoral, tricking unsuspecting Chinese people into moving to Jersey.

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