10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Simon, a 3-foot long Welsh rabbit, was found dead in the cargo hold of a United plane after a flight from London landed in Chicago on Tuesday. United apologized for the death of Simon, or, as he was referred to on the next outbound flight, the kosher meal.

2. Yesterday was First Lady Melania Trump’s birthday. Which, to Donald, means depreciation and another year off her trade-in value.

3. According to a new survey, 40% of men have asked their partner to change their pubic hair. “I can honestly say that has never been an issue,” said Jared Fogel.

4. On Monday, astronaut Peggy Whitson told President Trump that, while aboard the International Space Station, she purifies her own urine into clean drinking water. Whitman called the practice “a necessity,” while Trump called it “a waste of good urine.”

5. President Trump is scheduled to have dinner with all the Supreme Court Justices on Thursday. It’ll mark the first time that all of President Trump’s dinner guests wore robes since Steve Bannon’s family came over for game night:

6. Despite saying “I love Wikileaks” while campaigning, in a new interview, President Trump said he doesn’t support the website. And, in Trump’s defense support and love are two very different things, for instance, he supports Eric and Don Jr.

7. A Washington woman born with two vaginas is now pregnant. And I’m guessing her OBGYN is Monty Hall:

8. According to a new poll, a record 61% of Americans support legalizing marijuana. The number is so high because pollsters counted “Wait, what was the question again?” as a “Yes.”

9. A London bar has developed a whiskey cocktail that comes with a virtual reality headset that magically transports the drinker to the distillery where the spirit is made. Which is a nice change of pace, because when I drink whiskey I’m usually magically transported to the window outside my ex-girlfriend’s apartment.

10. Under a new law, undercover police officers in Michigan will no longer be able to have sex with the prostitutes they’re investigating. So it sounds like a lot of them are gonna have to go back to being ‘beat’ cops.

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