April 18, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, President Trump called a “60 Minutes” executive producer after his post-election interview aired to find out “if he had broke any ratings records.” Said the producer, “Technically, yes”:

2. Yesterday, President Trump tweeted out an endorsement for a book entitled “Reasons to Vote for Democrats,” which is just 260 blank pages. Coincidentally, the book also contains Trump’s plan to defeat ISIS.

3. United Airlines has once again come under fire after removing a couple heading to their wedding from a Houston flight on Saturday. It was the first of two aisle the groom-to-be had to be dragged down that weekend.

4. On Monday, Trump’s Press Secretary Sean Spicer read the book “How to Catch the Easter Bunny” to a group of kids at the White House Easter Egg Roll. “Oooohh, I know! You gotta grab it, right!?!” said one enthusiastic listener:

5. Yesterday, the official White House Snapchat account called Betsy DeVos the “Secretary of Educatuon.” Which isn’t so much a typo as it is accurate.

6. This week, a drug-sniffing bearded dragon in Arizona was officially sworn in as a police officer. Which will be a nice change of pace for Arizona’s heroin addicts as this time the dragon will be chasing them.

7. On Thursday, Time Magazine will release its rankings of the 100 most powerful people in the world. And, if they have any sense of humor whatsoever, they’ll put Jared Kushner on the cover.

8. Over the weekend, Donald Trump Jr. was spotted around the pool at his father’s Mar-a-Lago estate in Florida wearing a t-shirt bearing the words “Very Fake News.” While Eric Trump was seen around the pool wearing a head-to-toe robe and cursing the sun:

9. It is being reported, that New York Knick Carmelo Anthony and his wife La La are separating after seven years of marriage. Said Carmelo, “This wasn’t what I meant when I told the Knicks I wanted to be a free agent.”

10. This week Vice President Mike Pence has been sent to South Korea. Because if anyone can sympathize with South Korea’s situation of being located directly beneath a madman, it’s Pence:

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