April 17, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Companies in the notoriously workaholic country of Japan are offering employees bonuses if they leave work early. Begging the question, is that how Donald Trump made his fortune:

2. The education minister in India has ordered an investigation into a textbook that described the “best” female figure as 36”-24″-36″. That story again, history books all over the world are already quoting Donald Trump’s inauguration speech.

3. According to reports, Bill O’Reilly’s behavior is said to have been a contributing factor in Megan Kelly’s departure from Fox News. Another factor, she turned 30.

4. New York Knick Kristaps Porzingis is reportedly so frustrated with the direction of the team that he blew of his season-ending exit interview. Although, in the current climate, it’s probably a good idea for anyone named ‘Kristaos Porzingis’ to avoid anything labeled an ‘exit interview.’

5. On Friday, the Trump administration said it would break with established precedent by not releasing to the pubic the log that keeps track of all White House visitors. “That’s bullshit,” said Eric Trump, “Dad told me they didn’t allow visitors at the White House.”

6. A musical parody of the show “Friends” is debuting off-Broadway later this year. As an homage to “The Phantom of the Opera,” right before intermission the Chandler drops.

7. The International Church of Cannabis is set to open its doors for the first time next week in Denver. That story again, a house of prayer in Denver is about to unintentionally set the record for most Jesus lookalikes in one church at one time:

8. Emma Morano of Italy, the world’s oldest person, died over the weekend at the age of 117. Morano lived through two World Wars and almost made it to a third.

9. Ahead of his upcoming visit to Britain, President Trump has reportedly requested a golden carriage ride with Queen Elizabeth. Although, he’s gonna be pretty disappointed when he finds out that not everyone has the same definition for the term ‘golden carriage ride’ as Russian prostitutes.

10. Masao Gunji of Japan now holds the Guinness World Record for most Hello Kitty memorabilia with 5,169 items lining the walls of his bright pink home. Gunji also set the record for ‘Most Red Flags.’

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