April 10, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Russia warned on Friday that the cruise missile strikes by the U.S. on a Syrian air base could have “extremely serious” consequences. And I think I speak for everyone when I say “please be the piss tape.”

2. A Chinese zoo is making some extra cash by charging guests $145 for the privilege of cleaning up polar bear poop. That story again, you can pay $145 to clean up what remains of the last person who paid $145.

3. According to a new study, talking to your dog is a sign of intelligence. “Like, I knew it. Zoinks!” said this MENSA member:

4. A decomposed bat was discovered in a prepared salad at a WalMart store in Florida, That unbelievable story again, WalMart is now selling salads.

5. A so-called Museum of Failure is set to open in Sweden this June. Although, if it’s truly a Museum of Failure, it’ll probably open closer to November.

6. Lavar Ball, father of UCLA basketball standout Lonzo Ball, said his son’s team lost in the NCAA tournament because the team had too many “slow, white guys.” And, just like that, Steve Bannon has a new favorite college basketball team.

7. Over the weekend, President Trump named April 9, 2017, as National Former Prisoner of War Recognition Day. And then he named April 10th National Guys Who Didn’t Get Caught Recognition Day.

8. According to reports, President Trump is thinking about replacing his Chief of Staff Reince Priebus. Trump denies the reports, but it’s not a good sign that he’s now referring to Priebus as “Ivana.”

9. A Syrian who survived President Bashar Al-Assad’s chemical attack on his town says he will name his son after President Trump. Something that, even President Trump can tell you from experience, doesn’t turn out well:

10. Women are now using so-called ‘Vaginal Popsicles’ to ease the soreness of childbirth. They can also be used as bait to lure a shy or stubborn kid outta there.

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