March 23, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, Ivanka Trump’s role in the White House will be to act as President Trump’s “eyes and ears.” “Lower,” said her father.

2. The classic boardgame Monopoly is being turned into a Broadway play. Because everyone’s biggest gripe with the game was that it wasn’t long enough and needed more Nathan Lane.

3. According to a new study, the average person walks past seven psychopaths a day. That story again, Trump’s re-design of the Oval Office contains at least seven mirrors.

4. Rex Tillerson recently said he only accepted the position of Secretary of State because his wife told him to. “Wow, that’s weird,” said Trump, “Your wife talks to you?”

5. According to a new report, when together, President Trump and First Lady Melania don’t sleep in the same bed. But that’s only because Melania prefers a stiff, non-soggy mattress.

6. On Wednesday, Exxon Mobile said they have lost a year’s worth of emails written by former-CEO and now-Secretary of State Rex Tillerson. Have they checked the Atlantic Ocean, they have a tendency to accidentally dump stuff there.

7. According to a report, one White House staffer is so fearful about leaks, that “once he gets home in the evenings, he turns off his work phone and stores it in a drawer because … he believes it could be used to listen to him even when it’s off.” He said he would store it in the closet, but Mike Pence is taking up too much space in there.

8. A cooler containing 37.5 pounds of marijuana with an estimated street value of $24,000 was recently donated to a Goodwill store in Washington. Which led to a lot of questions, like “Who donated the cooler?” and “How was Shelia the cashier able to come up with the street value so quickly?”

9. A New Jersey schools superintendent has apologized for an assignment in which fifth-graders were asked to create posters advertising slave auctions. But, on the plus-side, they sold a lot of fourth-graders.

10. The NFL is developing ‘educational training videos’ for players on the proper ways to celebrate a touchdown. “No need to send those videos to us,” said the Browns.

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