March 22, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. It was reported yesterday that Secretary of State Rex Tillerson will skip a NATO meeting next month in favor of visiting Russia. But, in Tillerson’s defense, he has an important, time-sensitive package that he needs to hand-deliver to Putin:

2. According to a new study, 43% of U.S. voters can’t name a Supreme Court justice. That story again, 43% of U.S. voters have something in common with President Obama during his last year in office.

3. President Trump warned Republican lawmakers on Tuesday that voters could punish them if they don’t approve a plan he favors to dismantle Obamacare. Begging the question, haven’t the voters punished us enough?:

4. A movie theater in L.A. is providing barf bags for movie goers seeing the French thriller “Raw” about a young woman who becomes a cannibal. The last time a French movie necessitated barf bags, Gerard Depardieu took off his shirt.

5. Injuries fell by half and concussions were reduced by almost two-thirds after Hockey Canada banned body checking for players younger than 13-years-old. But don’t worry, Canadian-born singer Justin Bieber is 23:

6. Disney was sued on Tuesday by a Hollywood screenwriter who accused the studio of copying its Oscar-winning animated film “Zootopia” from him without permission. And, yet, no one will step forward and take credit for writing “Dirty Grandpa.”

7. Grammy award-winning hip-hop artist Wyclef Jean said he was handcuffed and “treated like a criminal” when he was detained by L.A. police investigating a robbery on Tuesday. If charges are brought, Jean could be gone till November.

8. A team of scientists seeking to restore Pluto to planet-hood launched a campaign on Tuesday to broaden the astronomical classifications. And considering Trump wants to get rid of the EPA and build up our nuclear arsenal, we need as many back up planets as possible.

9. According to a new repot, the most expensive place to live in the world is Singapore. Unless you’re a U.S. taxpayer, then the most expensive place to live is Melania’s apartment in Trump Tower.

10. A high school football coach in Washington has been suspended after he allegedly put his dick in a hotdog bun and showed it to his players. Said the coach, “If you have a better way to teach the cover-2 defense, I’d love to hear it.”

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